Okay. I'm warning you that this is a long post. I checked. It's 1,389 words. But I bet you're gonna identify with one side or the other here, so just bear with me.
So, I've wandered into a few Fat Acceptance blogs over the past several months of doing my own very weight loss/weight issues/body thing blogging. It actually started with my hearing about the Anti-Gym, reading their blog, and subsequently reading the enraged comments from many Fat Acceptance individuals. It sparked my interest, of course, as I am a fat girl myself. And seriously, you can say it. I am fat. And I do appreciate the comments that I'm a "current hot girl"... but I say I'm fat... because I am. BMI of 33.9 means that I'm actually BEYOND fat. I'm OBESE. I have to lose 60 pounds in order to be considered "NORMAL." If I lose 53 pounds, I'm still considered overweight, y'all.
Okay, just to get that out of the way and cleared up for everyone.
So, I visited a few of these blogs and websites and it just didn't vibe with me. Now, I seriously don't care what people fight for or blog about. People can blog about how fat needs to be another thing that just "is," like skinny, blonde, brunette, whatever. They can say that fat people are not lazy or unhealthy. There is no obesity epidemic in this country. Americans, as a group, are not slobbish, disgusting, over-eating, pie grubbing, meat sucking, gravy swimming sloths... they're just normal folks and are beautiful, valuable, and should be thought of as normal human beings. That's fine and dandy.
But then they decide to talk about how ridiculous us fat girls who want to be skinny are.
I am ridiculous for wanting to fit into a size 8 jeans. Because I think about it, because I have pictures of my skinny self on my fridge to motivate me, because I keep the thoughts of people calling me a fat fuck in my brain when I want to order cheesy bread. I'm obviously weak and I don't have enough self love, and I've been brainwashed by the media and the entertainment industry.
What the hell? I mean, seriously. Shouldn't "Fat Acceptance" not be only about society accepting fat people as "normal," but also about Fat Love Folks accepting fellow fatties however they happen to be?
My friend Kate put this as her status on Facebook the other day and I asked if I could borrow it for my blog: "Self-loathing is not a fucking character-builder. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t make you better. It’s just an ever-deepening, creepy-ass trap; a trap that is a huge moneymaker for corporations that do not have and never will have good intentions. You’re not disgusting. You’re not freakish. You’re not ugly. And you’re never going to be perfect. And holy shit, that is so okay."
She told me that the true credit goes to the gal over at Casual Blasphemies. I immediately went over and checked her stuff out. You should go. She's a BRILLIANT writer, and she makes me laugh my ass off.
But I digress. Here's the thing. I like the quote, and I feel it and sorta get it and all that. But what qualifies as self loathing? And ... how can I really dig that quote and not agree with it at the same time? I mean, I don't know if I would say I'm "self loathing." I also wouldn't say that it's a "virtue." But I also think those people who act like they've got their shit together when they don't... are just FULL of shit. Isn't it a virtue to know you've got some work to do? And at what point does KNOWING you need to kick your ass into gear and being pissed, angry, sad or whatever you feel about it turn into self loathing? And wait. Why is that bad again?
I, for one, do not feel comfortable in my fatness. I hate my body most days. I cringe and yell at Dan when he touches my stomach, and I punch him when he tries to pick me up. (*note: After a recent comment, I suppose this could look bad. Take the words "yell" and "punch" and put them in a play wrestling scenario. Carry on.) I hate how full my face is. I refuse to wear a skirt above my knees. I can be feeling good about myself and my working out, and kinda sorta feeling thinner than usual... and then immediately be brought back to ground zero of desperation for losing weight if I hear ANY kind of comment about my being "heavy." I can eat veggie thin crust pizza with no cheese and immediately feel like a failure, and want to go work out for an hour. I can actually work out for two hours like I did today, and be mad at myself because I went home when I didn't fully feel exhausted. (I could have done more, pushed myself harder, CHEESE AND CRACKERS, I'm so lazy.) I wish to Zeus that I would wake up tomorrow weighing 150 pounds. If I could cut off a toe to be the right weight forever, I would probably do it. Actually, if I woke up underweight, that would even be okay with me. As long as it meant I didn't have to work my white dimply ass into another pair of size 16 jeans.
I LOVE how I feel when I'm at a healthier weight. Oops, sorry. I mean "lower" weight. I am not supposed to say "healthier" because fat does not equal unhealthy. Are they being serious when they say that? Umm, yes it usually does. I don't just have fat around my stomach and hips, thighs and chicken wing flab arms, but it's also around my heart and my liver. My body stresses carrying this much weight. Just because I've gotten used to it and I can run a little and do Zumba for an hour without falling over does NOT mean that I'm healthy.
SO, I'm sorry. I'm holding on to every bit of disgust I have for my body because it's my prerogative to. And if I don't, I won't find the motivation to get up every day and try to make the right choices for the body I want to have. If I fall into my own version of "Fat Acceptance," first of all, it'll be fake. (Didn't I have that three years ago when I got into this mess of chub?) Then, I'll sink slowly into the abyss of pizza, pasta, greasy takeout, donuts and an even greasier face, just because I "accept my fatness" or because I'm suddenly "big and beautiful."
I can't get mad at Subway for telling me to Eat Fresh instead of McFattify myself, or call Jenny Craig a bitch, or tell Weight Watchers to go watch something else because yes, it's STILL A DIET... because there are people who need these things to live healthier lives. People have achieved success with it. Yeah, maybe they paid money for it. But guess what? Some of us need help to achieve our goals. And some of us do have "weight loss" or "healthier body" or "no more diabetes" or "knees that don't fucking hurt every day" as a goal. Why are we not allowed to be pissed that we're fat? Why are we not allowed to do something about it?!
As far as I'm concerned... wait for it... it's OKAY to NOT LIKE BEING FAT.
I know that these bloggers talk a lot about how they drink Diet Soda, and they like salad too, and that they are active, and still fat. Okay, well... I'm sorry, but for 95% of fat folks out there, their fatness is not beyond their control, and that's just the way it is. It just does NOT make sense in my brain. And I'm willing to bet that if these fat folks woke up tomorrow and magically were size sixes, they would do the Sherman Klump / Buddy Love scream of "I'M THIN!!!!! I'M THIN!!!!!" and then would run to the store and ask for an array of ALL SPANDEX outfits to try on. Seriously.