Thursday, October 8, 2009

TMI Thursday: I'm gonna chew on your armpit.

Alrighty.

I had a different post I was going to do, but I think this is much more "TMI" material.

I still don't have any poop posts, so maybe something ungodly in the world of bowels will happen to me this week to tell you about next time.

TMI Thursday


This is about me, and how freaking WEIRD I get when it's time for bed. If you had any inklings that I was a "cool" person, they will end very, very shortly.

Every night it's just about the same, unless I'm drunk or so tired I pass out in a puddle of my own drool. Dan and I do the pre-bed ritual of putting off bed time until 3 or 4 am, usually after not being able to get off of the couch without watching "just one more" Dexter. He grabs my butt and I run into the bathroom, and we brush our teeth. Or, he'll start to brush his teeth and I pee, and then we switch. Yeah, we've got it comfortable like that, 'cause we've lived together for four and a half years. The mystery of peepeetime is gone.

After he gets really, really excited about me letting him take my bra off for me (he lives to show off his one-handed-bra-removal-wonder-skills), it's PJ's, and under the comforters we go. Now, we don't just say "g'night," and roll over and go to bed. No. We first huddle together under the covers to retain as much body heat under there as humanly possible, 'cause it's so cold in our bedroom. Then, I inevitably start my weirdness. I do the "nook" pose where I lay my head in "the nook" of his neck and since I'm on my side facing him, have my leg on his leg and my arm on his chest. This is about the point where I do one or all of the following:
  • Blow zerberts on his stomach.
  • Lick his nipples, 'cause he doesn't particularly enjoy that, but I laugh so hard when they turn into little thumbtacks that I have to do it. Then I pinch 'em, 'cause they're fun little nubbies.
  • I have long nails, so I run them up and down his right side which is super ticklish, particularly when he's relaxed. I do it 'till he laughs and begs for me to stop, or until he gets goosebumps, and then begs for me to stop.

Okay, so those things might sit in the realm of semi-normal. I'm warning you, this is where it gets weird.

  • I try to stick my finger in his butt through his boxers. Just because he's terrified of it, and he clenches, and we laugh SO hard, it's hilarious.
  • I lick the spot under his armpit, 'cause his sweat is really salty, so it leaves his skin really salty, and dammit, I REALLY like salt. It tastes freakin' delicious to me, and he's all, "Eew, you're SO gross!" and I go, "No, you're SO high in sodium, but I like it," and he goes, "Gross," and I say, "Salt-licious" and lick my lips.
  • I fart ridiculously loud if I've got one on deck, just 'cause it drives him nuts. I don't get outright mean about it and do a Dutch Oven or anything. I just love the rumbly sound, and if you're honest, you'll admit it feels really good to let out a huge fart. And I've heard that if you don't fart regularly, you could explode, so just bear that in mind when you're trying really hard to hold one in.
  • The other night I suprised even myself after licking his side and I started to bite his happy trail hair. Like, I was sort of gnawing at it, and then I bit some off in my mouth, and had to spit it out. The crazy spit where you're all, "thbthbthbthtbhtbhtbthtbt" really fast? Yeah. And apparently in my slaphappystate, that wasn't enough bits 'o Dan-hair in my mouth and I looked up and asked him, "Can I chew on your armpit hair?" He looked at me with the most frightened look ever and said, "What??" I said, "Yeah, I just wanna munch on it for a minute." He was laughing pretty much uncontrollably by this time, but said, "Sure, go for it." And I'm pretty sure that was a dare, so I raised my eyebrows at him like, "Oh yeah?" and he just goes, "You're so freaking weird." Then I looked at his armpit. Then I looked back at him. I looked back at the armpit again and said, "Nevermind. I didn't think about the fact that I'd get a mouthful of deodorant." 'Cause clearly that's the only reason you wouldn't want to chew up someone's armpit hair.
I told Dan I was writing about this today and he's like, "Why would you tell people that stuff??" and I said, "Well, it's TMI Thursday, that's the point!" And he says, "What, to tell people you're the grossest girlfriend ever?" Yeah. 'Cause he says that all the time, and yet, he still loves me. I'm such a lucky girl. And Dan? ...Poor bastard.

~Jenn

55 comments:

delightfully mediocre said...

This might be the most TMI blog post I've ever read. HA HA HA!! Amazing, thanks for brightening up my night. :D

Christy in Seattle said...

hehe ... I poke my hubby in the butt through his underwear, too. He HATES it! It's hilarious. I've been doing it for almost 10 years

Now, to up the stakes, knock him off balance tomorrow night when you're ready for bed so that he's bent over with his hands on the bed for support.

Grab his hips and thrust away, crotch to bum.

Laugh uproariously while doing so.

BTW, (she admits shamefacedly) I DID have a tmi bowel post. I considered taking it down since none of you know me that well, but someone going thru the same thing *might* find it useful.

... and I hope never to have to post about my bowels again! :D

justatitch said...

I do the first three...but wow. I will admit to the occasional "hand wedgie."

I love silly little things that contribute to couples being couple-ish. I'm sure my BF would DIE if I blogged about how I love popping his zits/blackheads/any pore I can squeeze and our ridiculous phrases to one another.

That's the beauty of love!

THE OTHER said...

OMFG! You are such a FREAK! I love it! No wonder i liked you so much as soon as i started reading your posts, you are my soul sister... LMAO!

I have not offered to chew HIS armpit hair, but i did ask HIM if i could braid it and bead it, I wanted to put some of those tinkly bells on it, like the ones that belly dancers wear on ankle bracelets...

I also once stuck my tongue IN HIS nose, cause HE was having umm.. sinus issues, and I made a joke offering to suck HIS sinuses clean for HIM.... HE gave me that look that I took for a dare, so I licked the inside of HIS nostril... How disgusting am I? And what does it say about HIM that HE laughed uncontrollably, grabbed me up in HIS arms and kissed me like HE had just been released from 10 years in a Turkish prison?

*sigh* The things we do when we are in love.....

Hobo ........ ........ ........ said...

Louder The fart - Better.
Lower - The worst.

Becca55 said...

I can't stop laughing, im about to ROFLMAOAPMP...

ainsk said...

This just made my night. I am laughing hysterically! Thank you for this!!

Monica said...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

carrieredhead said...

Okay, I was wondering where TMI Thursday was and I was sooo not dissapointed! LOL! It's a good thing you don't log on nutrimirror, because how would you log, boyfriend's armpit salt? I would say Dan has a real keeper. And I mean that, weirdness and all! :o) You really make me laugh. Life is so damn depressing sometimes people really need some comedy. Thanks for bringing the laughter!

Lizz said...

If I started a TMI day for all the goofy things my boyfriend and I do, you all would shoot me in the head!! Cuz nothing beats playfully beating each other up as he calls me Swifty and I cll him Loserface. :) lol.

The Expatresse said...

Pthpttt. I am spitting out the hair that stuck to my tongue just READING about this.

A long time ago, when we was courtin', I used to annoy The Spouse by blowing hard into his mouth while we were kissing . . . it makes the air come out their nose, you see, and they don't like that much. But it's so fun to do . . .

Jamie Nicole said...

So great! I look forward to every thursday partly because it's almost friday but also because I know you're going to have another post where I have to clutch my side and do pregnancy breathing techniques to stop laughing from TMI thursday. I love it.
XOXO
Jamie Nicole
http://reasons2forget.blogspot.com

Kaitlin said...

hahaha oh, Girl! This made me laugh so hard!!! I am a BIG fan of over-sharing, so clearly I enjoy TMI Thursdays. Thanks for making my day better.

ByDSea said...

That is very funny and worse, it's very familiar. My husband and I have been married almost 23 years. I don't sleep well and he can fall asleep at the mere thought of a pillow. I get crazy wound up at night also, only for some unknown reason it's often worse AFTER he's asleep. I carefully plan my acrimonious deeds and then attack just as he begins to fall asleep. I guess I'm evil. He's sure of it. I love his armpits, although I haven't eaten them. I've been doing the butt poking for years also. Now, my new obsession is to stop the snoring, It's very distracting and it continues to rumble the walls of our neighbors despite my skillful attacks. The TMI portion...he's getting older now and had a few straggly nose hairs. I had mentioned them a few times and being the guy that he is, he failed to groom them. One night, I was laying in bed plucking my eyebrows, he was fast asleep, snoring so loud and hard the bed was shaking, making it difficult to pluck, I very carefully turned to him and skillfully snatched the hairs from his nose. NOT. MY. BEST. IDEA. EVER. The amazing thing is, he still loves me.

LuckyTat said...

Your not so odd, I used to LOVE pinching my exes nipples, and also the whole butt thing. One time he says "what are you gonna do if you actually surprise me and get is UP THERE one night..." i never really thought about that aspect... so i said "well... i guess it would depend on your reaction? :D"

Mommy2Joe said...

Okay, I don't know if this says more about me or you that he first thing I thought of when you asked him to chew his armpit was "It's not going to be saltlicious, it's going to be deodoranasty".

Then you figured it out. Whew.

I also do the butthole thing with my son. Nothing makes him laugh as hard as when I try to stick my finger in his butt. Like, I don't even need to get anywhere near him, I just have to hold up my finger and look at him, and he is in absolute writhey giggles. Weird?

Organic Meatbag said...

How incredibly bizarre... now if you don't mind, I'm going to go cover my body in marinara sauce...

LiLu said...

I love you SO MUCH for knowing what zorbits are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jas said...

OMG, I'm crying real tears laughing so hard. You sound like you have a wonderful relationship. Lucky girl! I think that everyone has their "weird" things they do....And I'm right there with the farting - sorry but if it's there, you just have to let it rip :) Thank you for sharing your TMI.

NJ said...

I don't even know what TMI stands for that's how cool I am. Of course I myself am extremely proper. The thing my kid used to do would qualify. Her old boyfriend told me he would be with his friends and he would get a text and he say hay it's my girlfriend and he'd look at the message and it was a text informing him that she's just had the best biggest dump. LOL This tiny little girl can also burt and fart with the best of the guys...probably years of hanging with boys instead of girls in highschool

Martial Arts Mom said...

I, too, am a fan of TMI - in general - not just your posts. I tell it like it is too - sometimes to people's horror. Mine are usually sexy tho - not gross. LOL (No offense, I hope) But regarding your post, my husband is so hairy, that whether I licked his nipples, put my finger anywhere near his butt or armpits, I'd be doing the phhhtttt spitting out hair. Needless to say, I bought him a male groomer...now just to get him to use it regularly! : )

Quincifer said...

Hahahahahaha, ok I so didn't expect you to say any of that stuff!
Excuse me for being slow, but errrr...what does TMI stand for?

Mad Man said...

I totally love it when my wife and I do these things. I think that it's great. It gives each of us a sense of power in our relationship. lol

Amber Tidd Murphy said...

Wow. Your honesty is refreshing and hillarious.

Now I sort of feel that my love for my husband isn't deep enough, because I have no interest in going anywhere near his butt or his pits.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

That's awesome Jenn lol, you are a little freaky deaky!

The Insatiable Host said...

TMI has now just turned int FtML (fuck thats my life!)...I think the armpit thing may be something that was like date #2 (I didn't eat it swear!!) however, now the kids crawl into Dan's "stinky pit" to snuggle.
I also adore trying to do wet willies with crazy things; biting his collarbone like a mad feign or vampire; the worst was when we had our cat Fidgit (his mother has staked a claim). I used to wait until he was totally a sleep and slip my hand into his boxers/briefs and you know the flap/hole whatever the heck it's called..well I would stick my finger through there and get Fidgit's attention and he would pounce!!! If I wasn't feelin randy enough to force my hand down there I would also use the lazer things..it's rediculously funny when the cat pounces on his little tenders and he wakes up to me rolling in hysterics...occassionally with a giggle and snort. I love it!!

TMI RULES can't wait for next week..ooh and guess what!! I am down 4 lbs!!!! I can't tell you how, but I think its the strung out mother, caffeine lack of sleep, did I eat today diet?! It's not for everyone, and shit it's so not healthy, but the fact that I have a wedding today and I wanted to wear a dress that you can't be a puffball in, makes me feel somewhat happy!!

Casey said...

First of all, I LOVE DEXTER!! Love it. I'm contemplating upgrading from our $10 cable to the $100 just so I can watch the new episodes as they come out. I am DYING to see the new one.

Second of all, apparently all of us like to annoy our male counterparts by poking them in the butt crack. HA I laugh so much when I do it to poor T.

Third of all, next time you're making out, try putting your mouth over his nostrils and blowing. Just make sure he doesn't have a cold first. It's HILARIOUS! And so surprising, at least the first time you do it.

Shmologna said...

I've done the butt thing to my husband. Men get really freaked out about folks messing with their butts.

CutTheFat said...

I TOTALLY do almost all the things you mentioned. I love trying to poke him in the butt, he is so nervous about that kind of stuff.

I'm so happy I found your blog! You are HILARIOUS!
<3
Christina

Raine said...

I am e-mailing this to my husband right now. He says I'm the Queen of Weird...now I know that I'm not alone. ;)

I periodically bite my husband's nose and lick his sholder when he's not looking...among other odd quirks. Hooray for the unusal!

Sarahf said...

LMFAO!!! Way TMI. But, farting warms the bed- it's eco friendly. Not sure about the armpit hair chewing though.

KekeLynn said...

That was one of the funniest, strangest and most TMI posts I've ever read!!!

Too funny, really enjoying your blog! haha

Kendra said...

I, too, enjoy the butt poking and the nipple playing on my boyfriend cause it drives him nuts too! :) Or I'll do really fast sniffs on his neck and it gives him the chills...OR, I'll stick my finger in his bellybutton...that freaks him out...OR I'll tickle his lips with the tip of my finger...really light touches are the craziest annoyance on the lips!

There's a lot of us weird girlfriends out there apparently!!

aka "Fred" said...

TMI Thursdays and everyones comments make me happy....It's the confirmation I need that I'm just as "unique" as everyone else LMAO!

You actually remind me of my old roommate. She said crazy stuff like "I'll be dipped in shit" instead of something more mundane like "I'll be darned" whereas you full on outright DO crazy stuff... I LOVE IT!! Keep it up Jenn!

Ashton Dene' said...

OMG laughing out loud at week. What a crack up. And I can honestly say, I love no one enough to do anything of the things you mentioned. So go you and your love crazy habits!

StepherB said...

OMG, I cannot tell you how glad I am to have found your blog! It always gives me a laugh! Your rituals are all too familiar to me as well! Why should we hold back our farts when they ALWAYS rip them when they want to! And somehow annoying my hubby trying to pry into his butt or pinching or flicking his nipples is always hillarious! :)

Losing it said...

love it! OH the things some people do!! TMI TMI!!

D. said...

This made my Friday morning - you are too funny and a very lucky girl!!! Sounds like he loves you....all the pieces of you. That is really something.
Anyway - great TMI :)))

Erin said...

This post was cute! I think all couples have weird habits.

Carlos said...

you could replace his deodorant with sea salt... won't do much odor fighting but it's a drying agent and he will be seasoned perfectly for your carnie freakshow of a bedtime routine!

NatureCat said...

Weird is the new Normal.

Love it!

Laura said...

OK..yeah..way TMI!! but in the spirit of it all..I have to say my ex boyfriend did alot of that stuff to me..and I always called him a weirdo..the armpit licking and butt poking especially..WOW ..someone else feels my pain...

Laura
mybde.blogspot.com

Brooke said...

I love reading your blogs cause they make me laugh.. My boyfriend does the whole farting thing. We've been living together for four months..The VERY first time he spent the night with me he rolled over and farted on me. Other people might get grossed out...I just laugh.

Julie said...

Hey, I had a TMI moment on my blog today too! Tis the season.

I am wondering if the deodorant made your teeth dry.

Julie
ADayInTheWife

Emmuh"psychoscribe" Sims said...

ahahaha. the weird things we do to freak out our boyfriends.
I try to pick my boyfriend's nose. It always grosses him out.

Jm Diaz said...

HAHAHAHAHA... Thanks for the much needed laugh. This was great!

NJ said...

You may not believe this but it dawned on me about an hour ago! duh!

Tara Oakley Cutler said...

I effing love this post. I love to snuggle in the same armpit hand over chest leg between leg position. You and your ampit biting is gross and hilarious. What's more hilarious is the fact the the advertisement at the bottom of all your million comments was an ad for laser hair removal...classic.

LOVE you and your blog

PS. you should be honored because I paused my tivo'd NCIS to read this post lol

Erin said...

"I try to stick my finger in his butt through his boxers. Just because he's terrified of it, and he clenches, and we laugh SO hard, it's hilarious."

OMG, I do this to my husband ALL THE TIME. Like, if he's bending over to get something from the fridge, I go for it. Then he runs away from me and I chase him while we both squeal like little children. Yeah. I'm slightly immature.

~Veronica~ said...

seriously?! and I thought I was weird with my lil outbursts of silly! ahaha I should make my husband read this to see I'm not that bad! LOL

Miss Webb said...

I've been away from the blogs for a week or so (been dealing with a lot) so...I'm catching up today...just read this post, and I almost peed my pants laughing...while at work!
Thanks for the laughs! =)
BTW...I'm headed "home" to Chicago on Wednesday for a family wedding...is the weather really THAT cold? I live in South Florida now and we've been having unseasonably WARM weather...like mid 90's...(I'm frightened I'll freeze)

jasofme said...

OMG you made my day!! I could not stop laughing. Everyone in the room with me wanted to know what was going on!1 LOL

A Synchronistic Catalyst said...

So freakin' hilarious!

I like armpits too - but only if they are shaved... yeah, I'm one of *those* girls who makes their man shave underarms and the nether regions.

But this made me howl since I torment my man at bedtime too.

:>

Denise said...

Oh my good god! My whole family is freaking screaming laughing right now! I HAD to ready this out loud. Especially to my hubby since 1/2 of this? He puts up with every night. Are you my long lost twin???

katnc24 said...

STFU. So many of us do these same things. I had no idea. Who knew that so many of us loved to make our boyfriends clench their butts up? haha!