Friday, October 2, 2009

Just call me Pathetic Paula.

I watched "I Love You, Man" last night for the first time, so please don't blame this post on me. What is a funny movie, and should leave any normal person feeling uplifted or relaxed or something - actually left me feeling wildly depressed last night. If you don't know what the movie's about, the main character is getting married and realizes he has no male friends. He starts the hunt for some guys to be his friends so he can have groomsmen and a best man. (You should watch it, it's good.)

So anyway, I found myself laying in bed last night and I was almost to the point of crying. You know the place you might find yourself where if you had no self control you'd totally be blubbering into your pillow and drooling on yourself? But if you have pretty decent look up at the ceiling and hold your breath skills, you might squeeze by without squirting out a tear or letting someone hear your sad guffawing? Yeah, that's where I was.

This might sound strange. I do, in fact, find it completely ironic considering the fact that I have (suddenly) so many folks following my blog, and before Blog of Note, somehow managed to have 112 of you interested in what I had to say every day... but I digress.

I'm lonely.

I know you're gonna say, "What about that (gorgeous, adorable, cute) guy you posted photos of and told us all about his franks and beans moving a bookshelf yesterday?" Well, yes. I am in love, and have the friendship and support of a wonderful man. For that, I'm extremely lucky. But aside from him, you guys, I haven't got a friend. I won't say I haven't got a friend in the world, because I do have friends back in Colorado where I'm from. Incredible, amazing, wonderful friends who I love very much, and miss very much. But here in Milwaukee? I've got no-one. And though I talk to my friends back home on a regular, nearly daily basis, it's just not the same as having someone here, in person, that I can drive around with, hug, high five, spill my drink on, laugh with and give each other the "What was THAT guy thinkin'?" look. Dan and I moved here on Halloween of 2008, and in this (almost an) entire year, I haven't found one single kickass person to be my friend.

Yeah, I have people in Dan's family, who are awesome, but who are NOT, like, a personal friend to me. We do have Dan's friends over for cookouts and stuff, and they're great guys, but they're not people I would spend time with one on one. I don't have a single person I can call and say "Hey, let's go grab a beer." or "I really need to see the new Jason Segel movie, 'cause he's so damn adorable." or "Come over quick, I fell into the toilet and I can't get out." And that really sucks. I can make a call or two to friends back home, but there's nobody who can just come over for American Idol night or bring me some chicken noodle soup when I'm sick, or give me the Heimlich if I deep throat a root beer popsicle and it accidentially breaks off in my asophogus.

Why is it that friends are SO hard to find and make when you're an adult? Most of my friends in Colorado are actually ones from high school, except for one who I met at my first "real" job, right after high school. Seriously. And I'll tell you guys, I meet new people ALL THE TIME. I'm surrounded by them at weddings I shoot. And I swear to you that I'm super easy to talk to, very laid back, cool, and I promise you that I'm not socially retarded. So... I don't know what the problem is.

After one year in Milwaukee, I have fifty clients, a stack of professional networking references, nearly 1100 bloggeriffic online buddies, a whole bunch of Myspace photographer pals, and not a single, solitary, IRL Jenn friend.

Ugh, that sounds SO pathetic.

Just call me Pathetic Paula.

Or, officially, Sad Panda.
sad panda Pictures, Images and Photos

~Jenn

99 comments:

Beth said...

Aw, I'm sorry, Jenn. Making friends is hard! I'm so glad for all the success you've found out there, but we miss you in Denver. :( You should try the little kid technique - just walk up and say, "You wanna be my friend?" Might work.

Carly said...

I know exactly what you mean! We just moved to a new place (or rather, back to where I grew up) and I haven't the first clue as to how to make new friends. I have a bunch of close friends, but they're scattered all over the country and I see three or four a year if I'm lucky.

For you, it was I Love You, Man. For me, it was the Halloween issue of Martha Stewart. I bought it and was looking at all the cute party ideas and then I realized that I can't throw a party...because I have nobody to invite. Totally depressed for the next two days!

Sorry I can't offer any advice. I can just tell you that I totally know where you're coming from!

P.S. Thanks for the asparagus info...

Melissa said...

lol
im totally at the same place.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

I know how you feel too. We moved away from home for my husband's job, and most of my friends have been migrating away from Michigan because of the suckyness. I have no one at my beck and call during toilet or deep throating emergencies either.

And isn't it weird that you can have tons of friends on the interwebs and still have that feeling of loneliness? It is a weird time that we are living in, with the virtual world ...

Ashton Dene' said...

I totally understand what you mean. As soon as I graduated college I moved to Ohio where I have had a really hard time making friends. Especially since I was in a sorority in college and had a whole group of built in friends as soon as I started.

Trinity929 said...

Wow, I dont know you I can relate. I just started reading a few things you have written about a day ago, but the panda truly made me click on your post today.

You know what, its not just you. There are many of us who walk around surrounded by people who dont truly know us. I am glad to know you have love, and with a little effort you can balance and have worthwhile friendships as well.

I like what Beth said...just walk up and say, "You wanna be my friend?" while that might sound childlike, sometimes you have to step outside of yourself and do something a little more risky than usual. I almost NEVER walk up to someone in a social setting and initiate communication for no reason at all. But once in a while you have to try it, you never know who you may meet.

I recently joined the gym (ahh what a struggle but another story), and i was leaving going towards my car and this chick for no reason did the long stare as she was walking to her own car. I said WHAT THE HELL, I rolled down my window and said...'Hi, are you coming from the gym' (which was obvious due to her outfit) and we immediately just begain discussing our difference experiences and motivations and while I can not say that by chance meeting has spawned her BFF status I was proud that I took the risk and opened by mouth and spoke to her for no reason at all.

The people that you truly need in your life are worth finding and they will come along when you least expect it.

Stepping off of my lame soapbox now and going back into my corner.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Jenn, move down to Memphis and I'll go have that beer with ya.

NJ said...

Ahhhhhh Jenn. I totally understand your pain. My daughter was in the same boat the first year she lived in Toronto. In fact last winter was hard and she seems to have acquired more friends lately.

And even at my age I find it hard sometimes to make friends. I work 40 minutes away so everyone I work with is sort of all over the map. Recently, another girl from work and I started doing yoga and pilates classes. We were always friendly but I'm can tell that we are becoming more close as time goes on. The best part of monday and tuesday is the drive there and back where we talk about life.

Last year I started going to a monthly knitting night. Don't know if you knit or even want to but knitters are some of the nicest people I've ever met and so open to new people.

StepherB said...

I know exactly how you feel! When my husband goes out golfing or watching the fight with his buddies from elementary school is when I really think...where did I go wrong! Why don't I have any good girl friends? And I had one of those nights about 2 weeks ago! Although I did let a few tears slip out! :)
Good luck out there! If you learn the secret to making really great friends, keep me posted!

delightfully mediocre said...

Well, shoot. The second I'm back down there in Milwaukee I'll go for a beer with you. (Uh, I swear I'm not a creeper. Really.) Milwaukee is a kickass town if you have people to explore it with!

(And I'm feeling the same way up here in Green Bay. Doesn't being adult suck?)

NatureCat said...

Milwaukee is a cool city with a lot of good down-to-earth folks. I'm sure you & Dan could find a cool couple to hang with. I find it's easier to make friends as a couple first as I get older. You may not have the deep connections you did earlier in life, but you won't be lonesome either. Maybe some of your 1000+ blogger friends are in the Milwaukee area. Make plans to meet downtown for dinner or a drink. Good Luck Jenn!

MY CINEPINION said...

You know Jenn, your old friends, are your best friends. It doesn't matter if they are not in the same city, they are only a phone call or an email away. My best bud moved to Saskatoon and I live in Toronto, very far away. We talk on the phone, or email each other, and it's as if we're in the same city. Try it, it really works and good luck.

Mommy2Joe said...

Oh geez. I know. I know I know. I know. I get it. I totally know how you feel. I know.

I left the coolest women in the WORLD back home, and I just know. I know.

I'm surrounded by people every day, but am still always missing my girls. I know.

I totally know.

PS. I completely get this post. I know.

Quincifer said...

Ohmygod, I so totally know what you are talking about here!
When I split with my ex (of 7yrs) I pretty much lost 80% of my friends because they were people who had known him way longer and basically 'chose his side'. I really miss having people I can just go out for a drink with or have dinner with or whatever. Luckily I do have a best friend for that, but I did used to have ALOT more and my social life has plummeted.
Don't be a sad panda! Or if you have to, make sure you get one of these guys to make you feel better - http://carteblanchegreetings.com/mybluenosefriends/wardrobe/friend/binky
I have the Bee (Honey), check him out in my latest blog, so damned cute.
xx

Losing it said...

Jenn, you seem like a really cool person and it can be hard to make friends, but i think there was some good advice about just be a kid or join a group. I know at the gym I made some friends, now that I work out at home I don't seem them, but it is possible to do so. It just takes one! I am sure it will happen. Just put yourself out there! Which is one thing to say, but can be hard to do...

sweetsilence said...

The same way you felt after watching 'I Love You, Man' I felt after watching 'August Rush'. I cried myself to sleep...and the ending was happy. Go figure.

HD@Losing Weight-Healthy Heart said...

I get it. We relocated five years ago, and it is only within the past two or three years that I can honestly say I now have real friends here (my bestie lives across country). It is hard, but keep getting out there and it will come.

Hannah said...

Making friends is HARD! At least it is for me. I've always wanted to be one of those people who makes friends easily with everyone, but I'm not. Plus I've moved to three cities in the past two years, so there you go. It takes forever to go from people you work with or see occasionally to good friends you can call anytime.

Wish I had some advice to give you, but if I did I wouldn't be agreeing with you so hard. If we were in the same city I'd say we should be friends! problem solved! but I live in Oregon. ;)

K. said...

Well, I think you've got to start doing something on a regular basis. Maybe take yoga classes? Or ballroom dancing? Or do your blogging at a cafe every Monday? You could prob think of some better stuff, but I think the key here is to get repeated exposure to people...if you meet someone once, it's going to be hard to become a friend as much as you might like them or they might like you...Isn't that what kind of happens in "I Love You, Man"? I loved that movie! (And until I read your post, I thought it was kind of far-fetched! LOL)

Good luck...you'll make a friend soon!

Great blog, BTW

Tonja +Jere + Kids said...

i am so there looking for a friend, but just as i blogged about it, i am actually going to see a couple of them this weekend, but they too are scattered all over and one I am just happening to see cuz I finally decided to drive to see her and the other is coming into the area so its a must to see her...but no friends here in this area. If we were close, I would come over and pull you out of the toilet and have a beer with ya!

((hugs))

I have no idea why its hard to make friends as an adult.

Rachael said...

I'm thankful for the friends that I have, even though there aren't many of them... I've known a lot of people, called them friends, but in my hour of need they turned out to be anything but.

People are so self-absorbed today that they won't let anyone into their lives. They form their little circles and then close them off, no outsiders allowed.

Unfortunately the only way I've found to go about making real friends these days is to find others that are exactly like you. Now, that's hard, but not impossible. When you realize that you're not the only one, it doesn't seem as bad.

I wish I had more advice for you, but I'm about as socially awkward as they come, so... Most of my friends introduced themselves to me, not the other way around. Left up to me, I wouldn't have a single person in this world...

RHK said...

dammit...this one breaks me up. just earlier today i told asghar you're like a friend i've known for years.

if it makes you feel better, i know how it is to move to a new place, have contacts but no one to pick up the phone and do something spontaneously.

move to toronto and you can call me to pull you out of the toilet.

Adriana said...

hey, i found your blog via miss marilee's, and just wanted to say i totally know how you feel. i moved to chicago a little over year ago (june 2008) to move in with my boyfriend, and a year later, the only real friends i have here are his friends. who are cool, but not like back home where all my HS best friends still live in new york together, and my group of girls from college are either in NY or Boston. it stinks.

one thing, have you heard of meetup.com? its supposed to be a way to make friends, like join groups in your city and like here in chicago we have a "new in town", or "girls just wanna have fun" type meetup groups - they could help, if they have a division in milwaukee?

i hope you find some cool friends. i hope i do too!

MMM said...

We just moved to a new town, and I left my job and support system of 7 years. Now... it is only an hour and 30 min away... but it is not like I had a walking buddy, or a happy hour buddy, or please take my kids they are driving me insane buddy! What has made it even harder is the fact that I have my own business now, and that seems to be the way that I met all of my close friends back home. All the others are from College or school... so I think that the actual problem is that it is just harder to make friends once you are out of school. It just so happened that we started going to a church that we just clicked with the people.
If you are not a church going person, what about getting involved with the local Chamber of commerce. That way you can be in the networking thing... and you just never know who you might meet. Three of the coolest ladies that I know I met because we were on committee's together at the Chamber in the last town I was at.
Anyway... just a thought.

edder said...

I think you might have "Susan Doyle Syndrome". She hit the big time via YouTube but wasn't prepared for the attention. Does that make sense?

I had that kind of cry after watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" for the first time. I was at a crossroads in my life, totally miserable and just wanted to pack everything up and move to Tuscany. Or Malta. Or Winnipeg.

You get my point. I wanted to start over at 40+. Friends will come, trust me. Truly.

Chin up, my friend.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I am totally in the same place. I am lonely too. Yeah, I do have a partner we don't live together. I have no friends and I envy women who have lots of friends and do things together - go out, go shopping, or just hand out.

stacey said...

There are alot of really good suggestions here. I find for myself that it gets harder to make (and maintain friendships)the older I get. I have friends from high school, college, and grad school that I see maybe a couple of times a year if I'm lucky. We are all spread out. I don't have kids yet, but all of the aforementioned friends do...and it gets even harder to even keep in regular touch with them even though I absolutely adore them. I moved to Austin 7 years ago and for years I had mostly just work acquaintances. It has taken a long time to feel like I really have a group of girlfriends. ALL of girlfriends are work related. Either I work with them now or I have in the past. I think that if I didn't have an office environment to go to everyday (sounds like don't, being a photographer) I am sure I would still be in a similar predicament. I agree with the other comments--join a yoga class or take a cooking class or something. OR try meetup.com..that's how I got involved with my bookclub peeps and they are totally cool ass chicks. Wait a minute, I forgot about my bookclub friends--who are NOT work related. Finally!!!!

http://stacey-curvygirlconfessions.blogspot.com/

Brittney said...

I was in the same place as you... and then my partner and I broke up and I was COMPLETELY screwed. So, I went out on a limb, and I checked out the platonic section on Craigslist! lol I found a girl who sounded cool, we got together for dinner, and that was almost 2 years ago and now she's a bridesmaid in my upcoming wedding (of which, I also met my fiance on the list! lol).

There's also sites like meetup.com that I've started to take advantage of. I just figured, it's not as easy when you're a grown up to make friends (though, I figure when I have school aged children it will get suddenly easier with play dates and such), so I needed to do something drastic!

Lisa Lectura Creations said...

Hi Jenn! I watched "I Love You, Man" and I thought it was good too. But I do agree, it makes you observe your social surroundings a bit more. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. It must be hard to have moved from one city to another. A fish out of water environment, but you will breathe again. If you were in SF I'd be your friend for sure. Granted, this is only my second visit to your site, I can honestly say, we have much in common and you make me laugh. I hope you find your kindred friend in Milwaukee soon.

Hugs,
Lisa :)

Michelle said...

I really related to your post! I think its just hard to maintain relationships sometimes because life gets busy and in the way.

Desperate Diva said...

Aww, that was quite a sad read :-/

I do however know what you mean - I moved to France from England 7 months ago and am here all on my own. I work for an internet company meaning everyone I work with is relatively geeky and socially inept (no offense to those here working for internet companies as I too work there!) - In England I had a few close and fabulous, fabulous friends that I've known for yeaaaars who I was with all the time and I feel like someone has come and cut all my limbs off sometimes, and yes, it sucks.

If you think up some fabulous way of meeting new people though, ideally that doesn't involve any form of verbal communication due to language barriers, please do pass on the suggestions, I'm all ears!

TheClassy Woman said...

Jen, I totally feel you pain! I was in your shoes 1.5 years ago. I felt like the most pathetic person . I had moved to FL from Toronto, CA after my hubby and I got married (he's a Floridian). So, I was getting used to so many new things and buried myself in my new business because I was determined to watch it take off. It did, but after a year of success I realized I didn't have any friends! Like you, I have many back home that I talk to and facebook with regularly but it's not the same as going shopping together, having girly laughter and having a martini with someone.

I finally stumbled across a website called www.MeetUp.com and it is available in every city. I joined and looked at various groups and decided to start my own 'Sex & the City Group' so I could meet some ladies and the group has been such a success. That is where I have met all of the friends that I now have here to this day. They have groups for every conceivable interest! I used to hang out with my hubby's mother and aunt, now I'm glad to have some friends my own age!

I remember feeling depressed and sad and my hubby just felt helpless and there were many nights filled with tears. It will get better and you will make some friends, I promise! :)

The Classy Woman
http://TheClassyWoman.blogspot.com

Antoinette said...

I hear ya!

In January, we moved an hour away from everybody for my husband's work. Yeah, it's only an hour, but I still feel lonely. I talk to my BFF almost daily on the phone but it isn't the same. We can't just meet up for coffee or a movie after the kids are all in bed.

Now we're talking about moving to FL in a few months and I know I'll be feeling much much worse after that. I liked the ideas some gave of joining a club or something. Maybe you could try a photography club? It's a shame they don't make a club for kick ass bloggers...you'd fit right in.

Chad said...

I realize this isn't going to be much help. As so many before said: we get it.

It took us about 3 years to get a real circle of friends. It's been almost 10 years since we moved to Indy. It was tough in the beginning. But, we now have some of the best friends of our lives here.

It gets better.

P.S. Be careful with the popsicles. I'm not sure how the obit would read.

The Insatiable Host said...

Just Call Me Your Plunger!

So...first, you aren't alone you are selective and deserve only kickass amazing friends that would make Aaron Spelling return from the dead to create a new sitcom that was based on you all. I know that being in that state of mind where you feel as if, I am writing to the universe because if I didn't; who would hear me? BUT I have to say...I think we all are alone.

Hello, My name is Danon I have 6 friends that aren't my friends because of marriage, bribery or blood. I have many acquaintences and I do have many close acquaintences; however I too feel so "out there" so in the dream that I am continually walking down the hall naked! WELL, I have kiboshed that shit!! I need to - Just like all of us do - reach down really low, pick up my dragging tits off the floor and hoist them up high in the new Victoria Secret PULL 'EM UP bra. We need to put on that fantastic face of makeup, get yer hair did right and then walk around with smile on our face and let everyone who comes in contact with our kickass selves want to be our friend. Let them drooling in their pillows because they aren't friends with us yet!!

Honestly, my life is 3 kids,work, food and wine..my husband for sure - but in truth, he is here 2 days out of the week becase he works 5 days open till close at the restaurant who else do i have to be me with??...if I want a social life, I rent movies to figure out the equation of me + x =cool and I also write to the unknown masses.

Is there therapy for us? NO..but we do have something that everyone wants...we have individuality and FUCKING COOLNESS!

If you ever need a plunger to get your ass out of the toilet, I'll cross the border to assist; if you need a friend to spill alcohol on - spill this way, because at least it wont go to waste; as for trash talk, tv, movies and general Need a Chic/Bitch sesh...find me i'll be there. It doesn't matter where your friends are - as long as you keep them close to your <3. For your friends in CO - GET YOUR ASS UP TO WI AS YOUR FRIEND NEEDS A GOOD TEARY EYED, mascara running down yer face; sobby/slobby girls night...and if you ever need to rant..the great thing is, that you can take it out on your keyboard....grab the triscuits and gelato and a glass of wine, because Girl you need a day of guilty pleasures. This could be your emotions in withdrawl from the msg from the chinese food or your lbs that have melted away like the witch in OZ trying to take TOTO away!

steal that bitches broom and ride on it!!!

always...insatiablhost

ps...i totes agree and gag at the term "whateves". if you need reason to make your cats shit on command let me know..I have a video collection of the other things that have happened!

Monica said...

Finally-someone who understands! I havent had a real friend in 3 years and I really miss it. If I even bring it up to someone, they say "What about your boyfriend?" I feel like people think that your significant other should complete you. I miss how it feels to go to a movie with a friend and laugh and go have "drinks" or go to dinner or go workout. My boyfriends great but he cant be the substitute for everything.

I hope you feel better soon. Think about funny stuff like "It needed to be done" and "frank and beans" and "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia"(Just throwing that last one out there--terrific show)

Fred said...

Hi Sad Panda a.k.a. Jenn,
I'm in very much the same boat both in terms of weight loss journey (same height, build, weight, even real name) and the friend business. It's definitely hard to meet people, especially those that you want to make close friends. I hope you're able to make some friends. If you're ever in Ottawa, I'll be your friend and we'll venture out into the city like tourists lol.

Emily said...

Aw Jenn, I don't know you and I live in Melbourne but LETS BE FRIENDS! oh wait, the distance thing... I've lived all over the place and I so understand - but I've also come to notice its a phase-y thing. Sometimes you wake up all sad panda and realise your bestest buddies are all at least a 2 hour plane ride away, and then some days you wake up and you suddenly realise some one you've just been hanging out with is actually and awesome buddy. Hope there's some buddy love coming your way!

Julie said...

Not Pathetic Paula, but Normal Person Over 20. It's just damn hard. And when you're little it's "hey, you're breathing and you seem to have brain function, wanna play?" and now decades later, after junior high and puberty have broken your spirit, it's a lot harder to make yourself vulnerable and find people who "get it". Wanna go to the Blue October concert in Chicago Nov. 12? Except then you would have one more friend in the Quad Cities (who used to live in Denver!), not Milwaukee. Does your library have a book club, or is there a local writer's club? Those Milwaukeeites don't even know what they're missin' yet!!!

Midwest Girl said...

Your first comment was right on.

This is what you need to do. In your head, go back to when you were a kid, playing on the playground and some neat little girl came up to you and said "Hi. Want to be my friend?" And you looked at her and thought "She likes pink, like me. She approached me so I guess I'm kind of cool. Sure. Why not?" And you told her OK, and suddenly you had a BFF for the next 3 weeks, 3 months, 30 years.

Now put it in adult mode. Go to a book group, (or the gym, or a coffee shop, or a writing group, anything), listen to people, and at the end, say "I like what you had to say. Want to grab a drink?"

I made a new friend at a book group because she raised her hand to say something and prefaced it with "I just moved here from Seattle, so if any one wants to be my friend, let me know." And I did.

It's tough to put yourself out there. But as a child we didn't have anything to loose. Now as adults we have nothing to loose but our pride.

And BTW, if you lived here in Minneapolis, I'd totally take you out for a Jucy Lucy (a cheeseburger with cheese on the inside, DELICIOUS) and some home brewed Premium beer!

Julie said...

Oh, and I felt very depressed after 'I Love You, Man' because he was pretty happy until people threw these expectations on him that he has to have some man-soulmate. And I cried walking out of Julie & Julia last week because I feel like I'm 40 and haven't accomplished anything I've set out to do. We've all got our pet monkeys, baby. Neil knew all about it..."I am...a Solitary Man...."

MB said...

Aww...I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. I wish I lived in Milwaukee 'cause I would totally rescuse you from the toilet, join you for a beer and come over to watch American Idol.

Alissa said...

I totally feel your pain, sister! I too am lacking in the friends department. No advice here since I'm in the same lonely boat but I'm sure you'll find a bud soon!

carrieredhead said...

Hey Jen. I totally know what you mean. It is not often in life that you meet someone you can be a complete dork with and actually be comfortable with it. And it takes so much work to build relationships to the point of deepness. A good friend really does satisfy the soul. I only moved away from home once and it was agony. I get homesick rather easily anyway, so add to that being young, in a bad relationship, far from home and you have the ugly cry on Christmas Eve. If you lived closer I feel we'd hit it off. Sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts and send lots of positive energy your way! *hug*

franki_vee said...

I just started reading your blog when it was on Blogs of Note and I really love the way you write. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I felt the exact same way when I first watched "I Love You Man." I've lived in southern California almost my whole life and I still feel that same loneliness you mentioned. I have lots of friends but I don't feel I have a best friend. It just seems to be hard to find someone that you can relate to on many different levels. I think as you get older you start to have friends for different purposes... work friends, friends to party, mellow friends. I know you said you don't have anyone you can call but I wanted you to know a lot of people feel the way you do. Maybe there are people you know that think of you as their friend but you don't think of them because you don't connect with them on as many levels as you would like? It's hard, even if you've lived in the same place forever (trust me I know). =0)

Nicholas Crawford said...

Esther (@faintstarlite) and I (@bullmeister) would love to meet you. As photographers, I think we'd have some common ground. And, well, you and Esther have very similar lives and blogs! She's a professional videoblogger for a weight loss company, and she moved to Milwaukee to be with me. I don't know if you checked out her blog: faintstarlite. Drop a line any time on Twitter!

Nicholas said...

You know that it is ok to be alone. I understand that not having a support network can be difficult but sometimes it is nesassary in order to grow.

After many years of being alone I have made friends with people who share the same values as I have it just happend surprisingly unexpected. we have a small brotherhood now and that suits us fine. Perhaps you can find like minded people and start a sisterhood.
Very Important "be yourself" if people don't like you move on, someone will surley be your friend.

Goodluck building a support network.

Julia L. Elsner said...

Jenn, call me or email me and let's go grab a drink sometime. (Sadly, I have lived here all my life, but am in the same "social" place as yourself!)

Julia Kozerski (Elsner)

Amanda said...

No advice really on making friends. HOWEVER I would slow down on the popsicle deep-throating...sounds dangerous! ;)

Queenie T said...

I can SO relate! I moved to the Seattle area back in May 1998, living the rest of my life prior to that point in the same place. Almost ALL of my high school friends were friends I'd known since kindergarten, to give a bit of perspective.
Many of my friends are online friends or friends "back home", and I found it really hard to find people here for a long time. I did all the stuff they tell you to do - find and join groups focused on things you enjoy, etc., but it was still just...hard. I developed a few friendly acquaintances, but creating deep, meaningful, call-in-the-middle-of-the-night-because-you-won't-believe-what-just-happened friends was still very much an elusive thing. Once I finally developed one awesome friendship her husband got a job requiring them to move nearly four hours away. AGGGHHH!!
FINALLY, though, I started to find my groove. I love live comedy, so I started going to a local club on a regular basis. (I became like a female Norm from "Cheers", but with boobs.) Spending face time week in and week out, and doing so alone, enabled me to make some connections.
Then, about two years ago, I got a DOG, and she's saved my (social) life! I started going to the dog park every day and, again, became a familiar face. Then I found local pet-centric people on Craigslist who regularly met on a specific day and time at "my" park.
Now, I have a circle of a few local women who are just fantastic friends! The pet friends happen to love comedy, and the comedy friends happen to have pets, so I've even been able to merge these little groups into one fun-loving team of awesome women.
So while I KNOW it hurts to be lonesome, and to be homesick, and with the holidays coming up both of those things get a little more intense, have faith that things CAN and WILL get better.

True Goddess said...

Wow do I know your pain. My husband is a Marine and we moved to Hawaii in Feb. I know... it's Hawaii, but my husband is now off fighting in the war and I am left on an island with our two kids and not a friend in sight. *sigh*. It is hard as an adult to make friends. Even when you try to talk to people they look at you like you are insane. It's as though as adults we put up these barriers that make it hard for people to break in. Good luck in your friend search!!!!

Girl said...

I love reading your blog. I especially love reading the old entries, they are my favorite. It is so cool that you have so many people following you. I wish I had people following me but it is so hard. Since my blog is so embarressing I havent told any of my friends about it. I just want you to know that I totally went through that whole weight loss thing this summer, and once you get in the right mind frame and commit yourself to working out everyday, the weight will slide off. It is just about getting the real motivation that is hard. Good luck though. I cant wait til you reach your goal.

kanmuri said...

I know how you feel. I currently live in the middle of nowhere, in the Japanese countryside. It's been more than two years now and I still don't have a good friend like the one you described. I have my best friend back in Canada, but talking on msn isn't just the same...

MunkyBt said...

Ugh! I know how you feel. My parents moved me to another county a year after high school (2001) and the only lasting friendship I've made since then is the wonderful man that is now my husband.

I have exactly three girl friends and all of them live too long a distance for me to travel on a weekly basis, let alone daily. I'm lucky if I see any of them once a month.

I have a few co-workers that I joke around with, but none of us have any interest in hanging out with each other outside of work. We would have nothing to do or say to each other if we did.

Being lonely sucks.

NJ said...

Thanks for the nice comments on my blog. You are absolutely doing the right thing. There is a lot of other people out there looking for companionship as well. You've got a lot to offer a friend.

myme said...

Jenn, I am sorry you are having so much trouble. I feel bad for you. Making friends is only so hard because when you grow up the grown up in you think to much about it. When we were little kids we made friends a lot easier because we didn't think so much. It was all about "wanna play fort?" So next time you meet someone cool just ask the adult version of "wanna play fort?" Which is something in the realm of "Wanna go out for a beer? or see that Jason whomever movie or eat a sandwich you get my drift. It's easy. People are as cool as you are. If someone were to ask you? What would you say?

karisma0000 said...

I am in the same boat. My husband and I moved to California and just have each other. No real friends to speak of. We have friends we made at work, but not going out/hang out with friends. No real girlfriend for me to go shopping with and talk about my problems, and get that comfort a dude, no matter how awesome, can give. I totally feel your loneiness!!

joybug56 said...

Friend? I have one but lost her to a man three hours away! So I find myself as you. I truly believe there are more of "us" than the others. Life has such demands on ppl anymore...life is way to consumed with unimportant "stuff".
I have plenty of "ppl" around me but none on an intimate depth..Hi how ya doing, wow wasn't that guy the cutest ok see ya ...and that is the beginning and end of that moment! Not that it will remove one single moment of loneliness from you but know there are plenty of us out there going thru the motions of life also. God Bless

THE OTHER said...

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. It hasn't come out in my story yet, but I up and moved halfway across the country and I struggle daily with exactly the same kind of loneliness. Before I mmoved I had a great social life, always had someone stopping by, always getting calls to go to the movies, dinner, for drinks, coffee, concerts.... now?? NOTHING. I have made one good friend,, maybe we can have a cup of coffee but between her and I we have seven children ranging in age from 16 to 3. We never get to do much more than a trip to the grocery store as an outing. (Who knew that an hour and a half at Wally World would be the highlight of my social month?) If you figure out the trick, let me know. If you ever get to NC, give me a call, maybe we can meet for a cup of coffee... I know a great little place, that I always visit alone.

Joy De Vivre Design said...

I think when you are younger it is easier because you don't yet really care what people think of you. When you are older you are more afraid that people are going to think you are some wierdo if you express to them that you want to be friends.

If you have time try taking a class for something that you have always wanted to try. I did this awhile back and made several great friends. Bonus is you already have a hobby in common with them through the class.

THE OTHER said...

I think you should submit some of your blog posts to a few newspapers, I would love to read a regular column by you!!

Jennifer said...

I know everyone else has said this- but I can sympathize. I moved away from my home in Michigan. I have lost touch with a lot of people, even my family. I find that it is really really hard work to make new friends- you just have to put yourself out there.

They should definitely have online friend-making sites. Done in the style of eHarmony or something. Take a test of compatibility. Once you get to know someone safely online in your area you meet them in real life! Damn, I could make a fortune!

If I lived in Milwaukee I would totally get a beer with you!! You are hilarious and you seem like a genuinely awesome person.

Oh, and I also have to take the opportunity to praise you on your photography... its AMAZING! You are truly an artist :)

Esther said...

You speaka my language. I've been in Milwaukee over 2 years and am in the same boat. In fact, I had this conversation with one friend I have made (who I rarely hang with)... she told me "I just don't know how to be a good friend" *sigh*.

ahm said...

I wantched that film last night too! Part of it prompted me to start blogging! Well, that character is kind of an anti hero as far as I am concerned.

Dont identify with a character like that, he exists in all of us and we surely dont need to be reminded of it so we can dwell in our own self pity. Instead, embrace the hero in you babe! You have loads of friends, and you can attract the attention of total strangers (like me!) enough to write on your blog! It's not that you don't have friends, they dont have YOU! Carry on as you are and stop stressing!

Nomad said...

first of all, its ok to cry at this movie. i cry at 300 and im a dude... not gonna explain that one...

second, i agree totally when you are older its a lot harder to make friends, especially if you have clients, and aren't working with a bunch of other people.

third, consider yourself way lucky that you have that guy... imagine how hard it would be otherwise.

fourth, i just moved to LA, im in a house full of people i know, and semi get along with, but they all have their own lives. so i feel alone here too.

lastly, we may be temporary neighbors pretty soon... my gf lives there, and if she cant get transferred to a cali school by spring semester, im gonna move out there til she finishes. i dont love distance.

Erin said...

As much as it sucks, I think it is totally normal to be in this situation. I have one best friend (who I've known for 20-something years), and then I have a bunch of random friends spread all over the country. I have sisters-in-law and casual acquaintances, but no one I could really hang out with. I feel really lonely sometimes, too, but I hear so many women my age make this same complaint, that I think it must be the norm and all those SATC awesome-girlfriend-relationships are completely fictitious.

monkey31 said...

Your a cutie! Love your blog! Don't be sad.

notreallyfashionista said...

You're right when you say it's difficult to make friends when we grow up. I don't know if people become suspicious or if they don't want to make other friends...

But you're lucky to have your guy who's there for you.

Hope you'll meet some people who will become your friend and hang on with !

Duffmano said...

Had the same thing happen to me after living in the same place for years. I took it for granted that friends would magically appear when I moved my twenty one year old self to Atlanta. It proved harder than I ever thought to find some good buddies.

April said...

Reading this reminded me of myself a year ago (and still some days now). It seems like once you become a grown up making friends is so difficult and its almost impossible to have enough time for the old ones.

Elayne Long said...

I'm with ya sister! I live in Wyoming, all of my friends are back in Rhode Island and I have no friends here and have lived here 2 years now! I miss my friends so much, my husband is from here and his best friend lives here so he's all set and doesn't understand why I want to go back east all the time. Well, duh....LOL Good luck to both of us in the friend making I guess but you are so right, making friends as an adult is way harder than when you're a kid. :)

~Mary said...

I moved to Scotland 3 days after I got married. I've been here for almost 2 yrs and still don't have any friends. I'm lonely too. How does one make friends as an adult? There is way too much gossip involved. I wish it was easy like when we were kids.

Good luck on the friend hunt. Good luck to me too. It was actually a new years resolution to find a friend....we'll see if it happens.

Amanda said...

I can totally relate. My hubby and I moved to Florida from WV close to 2 years ago and although I have lots of work friends who I adore, I don't have any good girlfriends around here. I love spending time with my husband and he's my best friend, but it would always be nice to have a girlfriend for the days he just doesn't understand! It's very hard to meet friends in the "real world" and someone much easier online...all my friends (who live back in WV) are friends from college. I don't even know where to FIND friends in real life, honestly!

thecoghlans said...

This post totally reminds me of myself. My husband (Dan) & I moved down to Virginia (where he grew up)before we got married in 2005 & I am STILL looking for a friend. I am from PA & my family is still there but all of my college girls are in different states now. I never realized how hard it was to make new friends. It's not like I haven't tried but it is very frustrating to find that go to person that you want to do all of your girlie things with. We, like you, have Dan's friends that he teaches with & couples for date nights but no one that I would want to hang out with on a one on one basis. You are not alone, I know what you're going through & it gets very lonely.

monal said...

hey,is this such a big deal..
i mean this setting out a fresh in a new place,rather its cool as u can remodel your life again,and smile for the beautiful memories of your last place
so don be sad n all ,jus stand a nd start walking,nd u will go places

Kristen Stewart said...

This movie depressed me beacause ever since we saw it, my boyfriend has taken to replying "Love, love ... love" whenever I tell him I love him.

Anita Bier said...

Ya, I totally don't get why it's so much more difficult when we're older to make friends - I guess school just made it so damn easy by having tons of people the same age crammed together for hours at a time...and you saw each other every day so you didn't have to ask for a phone number to keep in touch until you knew each other well enough to not feel weird asking. I always think if I ask for someone's number they think I want to date them or something. Sigh.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you SO DAMN MUCH for listing my blog on your site as one of the blogs that make you pee from laughing. I've always wanted to cause someone loss of bladder control. But seriously, you've sent so many new people to Crazy People I've Worked With, which has given me a renewed spark with the whole blogging thing. It was getting tiring having no one looking ;). I can't thank you enough for that. But I will try:

THANKS
GRACIAS
DOMO ARIGATO
DANKE SHON
GO RAIBH MAITH AGAT
DAKUJEM
JAG TACKAR

Alright, I think you get the point. I'll stop now before I drive everyone insane.

'Drea said...

Thanks for writing such a touching post; it makes me grateful that I have friends nearby.

I hope that you find, at least, one good friend soon.

julie said...

I'm starting to make a few friends IRL,but it's slow going, and I need many more. I don't have very many blog friends, either. I'm a bit strange, I'm afraid.

Kim said...

Funny...I just blogged about this not too long ago...http://konglomeratedkim.blogspot.com/2009/08/thoughts.html

It seems the older I get the harder it is to find true, loyal friends. I surely have many people who I call friends but are actually more like acquaintances. I soooo long for a few friends close friends who I can go out and do things with. My boyfriend is on the other side of the states, my daughter left for college and my teenage son, wellll let's just say Mom is the last person he wants to hang around with. Here's wishin you the best of luck finding your BFF in Milwaukee!

Laur said...

I can completely relate to this. I just moved to Alabama from Los Angeles. My boyfriend is originally from here so he has friends and family, and has adjusted quite well. I, on the other hand, spend quite a lot of time feeling lonely. Sure, I have his company, and the company of his family and friends; but I miss having my own friends to have girl talk over an iced latte with.

When I watched "I love you, man" I could seriously see myself in his shoes. Randomly befriending people so that I could fill out my wedding party.

Sad Panda indeed.

catherine said...

ok first, i think i love you. that aside, its obvious you have a dynamic personality; totally comes across through your writing. then theres the fact, youre attractive. i imagine youve found some success with photography...so here's the deal:
1.personality
2.looks
3.successful
nice package.
im going to be blunt. women, for the most part, are catty, inherently jealous, mean, competitive, insecure...ok, im bored listing shit.
youve got far too many assets for the average female to consider competing with.
rather than lift one another up, we tear each other down to make ourselves look and feel better.
basically, we suck.
give me a room full of guys and let me work my magic. id rather be with a group of people who think im the bomb, than hang out with a buncha chicks who cant wait for some body to go to the ladies room, so the remaining table hags can rip her to pieces.
id be your bff.

Laura said...

I wish i had read this post earlier. I too have the same issue and I have been living in Florida for just about 10 yrs. Im from NY and I'm single..all the peeps I know down here are married with 3.2 children...the singles are about 80 years old..I'm totally screwed. I hang out with my family..thats it..it sucks..I miss my friends from up North!! boo hoo..Im whining..but I get it..you really aren't alone!

Cat said...

I'm there, but mostly by choice. I've been hurt so many times by "friends" that I'm afraid of anyone who wants to be in my life. I have a wonderful husband and a great online network, but it's way too easy for me to keep people at arm's length. I do miss having a girlfriend to chat with, though.

Jen said...

I completely understand this... and it makes me feel like so much less of a loser!! My (wonderful, adorable, awesome) husband dragged me across the country to the middle of nowhere desert mountain regions of southern Arizona for a job and it took me a LOOOONG time to make a decent friend. But you will make friends!! I wish I lived near you to be your friend bc I think - no, I KNOW - we'd have a ton of fun!

Fidela Castrate said...

I was in the same boat 4 years ago...I just had my children and husband but no friends..until I joined roller derby...you should try it or get involved..its amazing how many wonderful ppl you meet!

Fidela Castrate said...

I was in the same boat 4 years ago...I just had my children and husband but no friends..until I joined roller derby...you should try it or get involved..its amazing how many wonderful ppl you meet!

Sarahf said...

Hiya. I've just come across your blog and how ironic that I came across this post. I live in Japan, love it and have a few good friends (although no significant other, which is a whole other problem), but I stil get lonely. It's so hard to meet new people, and, in my low moments, I tell myself it would all be so easier if I just went home to my fabulous parents. But, you reminded me that I'm not alone in my loneliness and inspired me to try a bit harder to meet new people. Not sure how I will go about that, but watch this space... Good luck.

Heather said...

I feel the same way! I live with my boyfriend, love him and have a great relationship and friendship with him. But all my friends & family live an hour or more away from me.

I haven't made friends with anyone who lives near me. I've made some friends at Weight Watchers, but that's the only thing we have in common. Everyone else is 20 years older than me and has kids they need to get home to tend to.

Like you I talk to my friends almost daily, but sometimes you need that in person connection.

Lauren Ashley said...

I completely understand. Reading your post almost made me cry because you feel exactly the same way I do.
I recently moved to DC for a job and left all of my friends, family, and my boyfriend behind in New England.

Meeting new friends is SO hard when you're out of school. If you figure out how to-please let me know.

Btw. Congrats on all of your success. Both with your weight loss and your blog.

Mitzi Green said...

have children. the difficulty factor increases exponentially. and if one (or more) of your kid(s) has a mental illness? you might as well sell your suburban palace and head for that rickety cabin in the mountains.

that's my way of saying "dude, i totally feel your pain." i love my husband and all, but i can't bitch about him TO him. and a large part of the problem is ME. not that i'm difficult (although i am), but that between work, pretending to be a wife and mom, and spending an hour a night at the gym--i don't have time to devote to other people, thereby making me a shitty friend to have. maybe i'll have friends at the nursing home when i'm 80...

Stef said...

I know exactly how you mean about being lonely. I actually was just recently dumped by my boyfriend of 1 and 1/2 years, so now I'm having to face the fact that I don't really have a lot of friends where I currently am. It's so disheartening, so you're totally not alone! :)

Rachel said...

I feel like I just read my own thoughts! I moved to NC 2 years ago from NY and I have an amazing boyfriend who I love and adore and call my best friend. I have found ONE female friend since I've been here. I have fabulous, wonderful girlfriends in NY, but same thing... they aren't here. My only advice is to make the best effort you can to keep in touch. I try to speak to at least one a day, that way I don't realize how friendless I am here. If you want to move to Raleigh/Durham, we can definitely be friends :)

Maryam said...

Wow.... :(

gkpthepixie said...

I moved to god forsaken Alabama five years ago from Memphis (no thanks to the b-friend, now hubby). In the city I was always busy, going out and had any number of people I could call to help me fish myself out of the toilet bowl. Here, I have managed to make 2 good friends in FIVE FRICKIN' YEARS, both of whom have been smart enough to get the hell out of here and move on to bigger and better things while I continue to languish away. My husband won't move because his family is here despite the promises he made me before I came here. I am funny, smart and a LEO for pete's sake. Not sure why it is so much harder for adults to make friends in new places. So...I know exactly what you're saying, Jenn, I really do.

Ly'Lla T. said...

Ohh ok, "I love you man" great movie. The people you take pictures of are not your friends they pay you for a job so they don't think they owe you anything.

You have to find something else that doesn't involve you actually doing work. Just hang out, one thing I know if you feel that those around you should be your friend than ask them what the problem is honesty is always the best policy. As long as you feel like you put yourself out there than that's all that counts, plus didn't you learn from " I love you man" You have to be yourself your hot work it babe

Christy in Seattle said...

That's what I'm facing here in Seattle. I haven't been totally cast down about it yet, but I do miss having girlfriends!!!

Sandra said...

I am in a nearly identical situation. I moved to Vancouver, BC in December of 2008 and have not met a single friend. I have my roommate and that's fine, but I have no one that I can call and spend my time with. Everyone is back in Ontario or they are in BC but they are at least 4-5 hours away from me.

It is a very, very lonely feeling. I find myself starting to wonder why people aren't asking me to hang out or anything. But sometimes I find that I don't care and I'm pretty good at standing on my own, but sometimes it's nice to have people to spend your time with doing things like watching American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance.

*sigh*

XSarenkaX said...

Geez, I am behind on my blog reading, so I get to be comment #99. Oh well, here goes...

I've been a sad panda about this sometimes, but most times, I decided I don't need to care about "not having friends". As long as my needs are being met, there is no point in comparing myself to some standard that probably comes from TV land.

Another secret I know is that I MAKE things happen - I don't wait for others to supply me with warm, fuzzy feelings (although it is nice when it happens). If you want to have a situation come true, make it happen! Want a beer? Grab a buddy and go. If no one goes, go anyway and meet people there - they like to do what you do!