Thursday, October 1, 2009

TMI Thursday: I was scared by a naked furniture mover.

I have discovered the mecca of humiliation, and decidedly... must take part. Get ready for the first ever Ex Hot Girl installment of TMI Thursday.

TMI Thursday


It's kind of a shame to start with something that didn't actually happen this week, but I haven't been humiliated or had anything crazy, weird, drunk or gross happen... so I'm gonna start with an oldie but a goodie.

My boyfriend Dan moved to Colorado to be with me back in May of 2005. (We've since moved back here to Milwaukee.)


From what we can remember this happened a few months after he moved in.

It was a normal night, and I was sleeping sweetly in the bed with him after a fun night of drinking with our friends. All of a sudden I found myself torn from my sleep by the sound of scraping. Scrrrrrrrrrrrrrape. Scrrrrrrrrrrrrape. *Grunt* Scrrrrrrrrape. *Grunt!*

I sat up and looked around the room trying to figure out what the crap was going on, and reached over to the spot Dan sleeps in to wake him up. He wasn't there.

Just to share, this is what I'm used to seeing:


Sccrrrrrrrrrrrrape!!! ...again and it was to my left, sort of behind me. I turned around and saw Dan moving the giant bookshelf by our bed. These bookshelves are huge, and basically weigh the same as a normal dresser would. You'd think the most surprising thing about this would be that he was moving a bookshelf in the middle of the night, but in fact I was totally confused by something else. He was butt-ass-birthday suit - swingin' in the fan breeze naked.

Now, Dan doesn't sleep naked. I have no idea why he was naked. I normally enjoy it when he's naked, but this was odd and creepy, and I didn't know why he was moving the bookshelf.

I asked, "Honey?"

"Grumble, grumble, grumble, Scrrrrrrrape, *Grunt!*"

"Dan? Sweetie?" (I was shrinking into a freaked out ball at the foot of the bed, as far opposite from him as possible by this point...)

"Huh."

"What are you doing?"

"Moving this."

"Why?"

And with a really, really serious, 'Imeanbusiness,dammit' kind of tone, he said,"It needed to be done."

I was really freaked out by this point. He didn't sound like himself, and I was maybe not quite totally awake, but I started to get scared of him. How I found myself feeling intimidated by him, in all his naked vulnerable glory, I have no idea.

I got up and tiptoed to the guest bedroom while he was focusing on the dresser. I shut the door and locked it behind me. I laid down on the guest bed (wayyyy less comfortable than our bed, in case you're ever planning to visit,) and I just waited. I don't know what I was waiting for, but something in me felt like he was gonna come chase me. Sure enough I hear the door knob twist. It stopped and hit the "clack" of a lock. "Clackclackclackclack!" He shook the door knob and rattled the door. I was actually terrified at this point.

I have no idea why I was scared, or what I thought was going to happen, like he'd bust the door down and slap me in the face with his frank and beans and say, "It needed to be done!" over and over, but I was totally tripping balls. (And no, I hadn't been smoking pot or doing drugs or anything like that. I was needlessly paranoid.)

He didn't say anything while trying to get into the room. He didn't call my name or say "What's going on?" or anything like that. I am pretty sure he was still asleep when he was trying to get in.

It didn't take long before he gave up and went back to bed. The next morning I woke up to him knocking on the door. I let him in and he came and laid down on the guest bed with me.

He asked, "Why are you sleeping in here? Was I snoring?"

...
...
...

So... I told him the story and we laughed and laughed until we cried. To this day, "It needed to be done" is our answer to everything.

"Why did you eat the last of my yogurts?"
"Why did you park the car out front instead of in the garage?"
Why did I share this too-much-information story with you all?
"It needed to be done."

And just for fun, I'll share some photos that totally describe our relationship and how damn cute he is:



And my favorite one, cause I was so skinny. ;)


~Jenn

58 comments:

Chanté said...

My poor pregnant tummy cannot handle the ridiculous amounts of laughing this story has caused. The best part (besides "it had to be done") was the frank and beans comment. I think that's what put me over the edge...!

Ashton Dene' said...

Oh, I totally laughed out loud at this post...and sorta feel like a creeper because I read it....even though you posted it. thanks for the laugh today!

Davin Malasarn said...

This is hilarious!

Walking Queen said...

Very cute story!

Leah Jewel said...

You and your boyfriend definitely look cute together.

raphnexx said...

Wow.impressive post .i like it.Romantic and candid.

Isis said...

That's one of the best sleep walking stories I've ever read. That fact that you two laughed the next morning till you cried was perfect.

Sorys said...

I love it!!! just the right amount of laughter to keep me from crying! its been a long hard day!!! I really needed that. OMG, you are now responsible for my moods...? lmao!!!

Monica said...

OMG Jenn, Im still laughing! That is SOFA KING FUNNY!!!! I may make my bf read this!

As always LOVEEEEEEEEEE the photos!

LiLu said...

Oh. My. Gaw.

Girlie, you came out with the TMIT funny guns BLAZING.

"It needed to be done" is your "I CONCUR!!!!!!!!"

Antoinette said...

That is freaking hilarious! My favorite part was the franks & beans visual while yelling "it had to be done" over and over. OMG....so funny.

You rock. You're a doll. And your boyfriends a cutie pie! I'm a sucker for guys with glasses...not sure why. LOL

Erin said...

Dude, that is the funniest sleepwalking story I have EVER heard. The part about you thinking he was going to slap you in the face with his "frank and beans" while saying, "It needed to be done" has me in tears.

The funniest thing my husband has done while asleep is sit up and start talking to me in Spanish. And it's not even that impressive because he's Peruvian and is fluent.

Alissa said...

Fun-eeee! Thank you so much for making me laugh!!!

Desperate Diva said...

LOL. I love it, does sound a little scary though, kind of like the shining :-/

Karilynnlove said...

That is pretty darn close to the funniest thing I have ever heard!! Scary but funny!!

andrea. said...

That is TOO funny! My boyfriend occassionally sleepwalks/talks too, but he's never moved furniture! My favourite is one time when he shook me awake demanding, "Where are all my heads? WHERE ARE ALL MY HEADS?" And when I said I didn't know, he started making 'explosion' noises. Haha! I still like to tease him about that.

delightfully mediocre said...

That would have freaked me out, too! It makes a great story, though. :D

Tonja +Jere + Kids said...

that was so delightful, i laughed soo hard. thanks for sharing this!

stacey said...

OMG..what a funny story!I love that it spawned a catch phrase that lives on...that's cute.

http://stacey-curvygirlconfessions.blogspot.com/

brenda said...

Some blogs I don't understand, but I loved your story (TMI). Try www.mypyramid.gov ; figure out what you're eating that's throwing you over your daily caloric goal. And as for exercise, if you hate it do more frequent short burst (like 10 mins 3 x / day instead on one 30 min blog).
but just sign me, I've discovered my inner laziness and I'm not so happy about it.
Love your blog.

Hannah said...

I loved this! Because I'd totally be just as scared as you! (By the way, I'm Hannah, and a recent fan of your blog.)

My boyfriend spent the night at my dorm a few weeks ago and did something very similar. Instead of moving the bookshelf, he tried to pee on my roommate's laptop! He'd lifted the top part (as if it was the toilet lid) before I realized what was going on! Luckily, I managed to get him to the sink in our room before anything terrible happened.

kanmuri said...

That must have been soooo scary. I actually used to do weird stuff in my sleep, too. I once pushed my friend off her bed, took all the blankets and left her to freeze while I slept in her bed. The next morning I was really confused to wake up there!

carrieredhead said...

I think Thursday had just become my favorite day of the week! You had me in stitches!

call me dee said...

Hilarious!!! Frank n beans. I could just picture it, too. It was so funny, I just sat here like.....OMG that is sooooo funny. I don't have a BF or DH, but I have a 6 y.o. that sleeps with me that wakes me up occasionally singing in her sleep. I can actually understand her, too.

Funny. I will be coming back for more hilarious storytelling.

Kristen said...

Well that's certainly a different way to do interior decorating! So, so funny and pictures are so cute!

Lisa Lectura Creations said...

Hi Jenn! OMG, that is so hilarious! I'm so glad to have found your blog. You are so cute, love the journey your taking and you make me laugh! All great reasons to make me come back for more.

Hugs,
Lisa :)

Runnergirl said...

Freaking hilarious!

Thank god there's barely anyone in the office. I guffawed.

Lizz said...

Loved it!! Actually had something similar happen to me accept, he ended up standing on the balconey of my apartment butt-ass naked. It was really funny even at the time.

☥ ѕωαмι ηανєєη said...

:o .. i commented cos it needed to be done :P ..... a really funny incident !!

My Passport to Style said...

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Jas said...

OMG, that is hilarious!!! I gut hurts from laughing so hard!!! Love the pictures - you guys make a VERY cute couple!!!

Stacie said...

that is too funny. i laughed out loud.

carissajaded said...

haha thats awesome!!! great tale. I totally get paranoid like that at times... but more often Im the one up doing things in the middle of the night in an ambien haze...Nice to get some perspective!!

★ Hollie ★ said...

I love this story!! I was giggled so hard, I got my toddler's attention and even she was interested in your pictures...lol

You & your boyfriend are too cute together!!! How long have you guys been together?? You make an awesome couple!!!

Great Blog, I love the way you write!!!

Julie said...

Beans and franks. Funny stuff. But it had to be done. Naked. Of course it did.

Love the cheekbone pics too.

Did you go to MayerCraft Carrier? I tried to figure out 1000 ways to finagle that somehow. Maybe your 1000 blog followers could rent a boat and get Mayer to come on for MayerCraft Carrier 3? We could meet in Prairie de Chein and cruise down the Mississippi...because he would SO go for that!

edder said...

Just found your blog today. I'm so happy!

What a great story...totally hilarious. Looking forward to reading more.

edder

Kathryn and Caitlin said...

I love this story! But I think I love the idea of "it needed to be done" becoming a part of your everyday life even more. :)

Stacyjo4 said...

I read this while sitting quietly in class - it took everything I had to contain myself. However, during break, while retelling the story I could not contain myself, I am still crying now and periodically laughing.

Nyx said...

you guys are adorable together.

vomit.

i once knew a guy who used to cook eggs when he slept.

it had to be done, apparently.

Samantha said...

OMG, I seriously have tears. Thanks so much for the laugh!

Erin said...

Oh my god! Hilarious!

Erin said...

Oh my god! Hilarious! My ex once woke up in the middle of the night (after drinking) convinced that I was just choking him. He got up and ran down the street in his boxers in January for about ten minues until he really woke up and came home.

a!k0 said...

LOL, wow was he sleep walking? nekkid?? I would get freaked out too if someone was moving a bookshelf in the middle of the night and said "It needed to be done"! :P

Anyway, this was funny, does he sleep walk now? XD

Love the kitty. :)

A Synchronistic Catalyst said...

Freakin' hilarious!!!!! :>

Quincifer said...

Awww bless him! I'm surprised he followed you to the guest room, usually sleepwalkers are in their own world.
I've never experienced it, HOWEVER, my ex had a horrible habit of falling asleep when he was drunk then waking up a few hours later completely dis-orientated. Lets just say he could never remember where the bathroom and toilet were!

Annabelle said...

Hey, when a bookshelf needs to be moved, it needs to be moved. Sometimes, our greatest inspritations come during sleep.

That was probably one of the funniest things I have ever read. I'd probably sleep with a weapon under my pillow for weeks to prepare for possible episodes.

NYC Girl said...

LMAO! Sleep walking definitely! Great story!

Katie said...

That was hilarious!! You brighten my day everytime I read your blog.
Really glad I found you a couple weeks ago :)

(I'm from WI too)

Kendra said...

FRANK AND BEANS!!! hahahahhahhahaha

GREAT story!!! My boyfriend wakes up and tells me all kind of weird things...

There was one time he rolled over put his fingers above my head like he was measuring something and said "one inch"...then started snoring again...when I asked him the next morning, he had no clue!

cheerqueen8806 said...

wow...
that's hilarious. LOL

Nomad said...

i love the idea of sleep walking, apparently i've done it my whole life. my mom says she used to just say "ryan honey go get back in bed", i'd stand there for a minute and then i'd go ha ha.

i'm just upset that i cant figure out how to sleep work out...

PS. i will be saying "it needed to be done" from here on out, when i do something annoying, but i wont have a cool backing story.

Nomad said...

PSS. why does adsense think that our readers want EZLUBE?

...i guess it needed to be done.

Organic Meatbag said...

I sleep naked, so it can be a bit of a hassle if I have to get up and do something very suddenly...hahaha

simple pleasures said...

funny funny!!! I have recently started reading your blog and this was hilarious.

JoshDragon said...

ROFL. Nice story, I enjoyed it a lot.:D

Danielle said...

BEST STORY EVER.

Elle Kaesnter said...

I am in my college class right now. We were creating blogs so I was browsing blogs. I came to this blog, read this post, and was trying to laugh silently. It was quite hard. You're hilarious.

Judith & Sammy said...

I just found your blog and read this entry - and thank you...I'm at work in the UAE, bored, missing home, have pouty face. Now I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. I really needed that. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.