Thursday, October 22, 2009

TMI Thursday: Puke isn't sexy.

TMI Thursday


Okay. I'm gonna preface this with a little backstory on my goody-two-shoes lameness. I never drank when I was in high school. I was raised in a pretty conservative household and I was never at any "cool" parties or bondage soirees or dog fights. In fact, by the time I hit my sophomore year in college, I hadn't had more to drink than one wine cooler, for which my parents pulled me out of the musical my Junior year in high school. SO, needless to say I was a drinking virgin, to the max.

After I moved out I was reunited with some high school friends I hadn't seen in the three years since graduation. One of whom is gorgeous. I mean, seriously, ridiculously, wannastabmyselfintheface gorgeous. I had a huge crush on this guy in high school, and being the super delux nerd I was, I never had a chance with the guy. In fact, today we'll call him "Guy." 'Cause, well, he's a Guy and I'm protecting his embarassed identity for having anything to do with me.

So. I ended up at a party with him, and my alcoholic friend... Fred. Fred was wearing a welding helmet and swigging Smirnoff, and I had no idea what it tasted like, or why these people had two old doors set up on some step ladders with a bunch of cups lined up like bowling pins. I wasn't kidding, I was in totally new drinkin' territory. So, I was standing there with Guy, looking at his face and thinking about how I wanted to lick it off, and how I needed to say something so he didn't excuse himself to something more exciting, like picking the lint between his toenails in the bathroom. I asked him the most exhilirating thing I could come up with. "Do you guys party like this all the time?" (Brilliant, Jenn.) He said to me, "Yep, it's basically what we do." Then after a gorgeous pause, said, "You're way too much of a good girl."

Of course, being half retarded, I had no idea what to say, so I just asked him, "What do you mean?" He said, "Well, we just need to get you comfortable with drinking mid-week. Like, what would you do if I came to your house Wednesday with a bottle of whiskey?" I said, "We'd drink it." (I felt so cool at this point, you have no idea.)

So, Guy came to my house the next week with Seven and Seven and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico." I was freakin' thrilled, ya'll.

Guy. Me. Alone. Ohholyjesus.

Now, I should tell you people that I have never seen this movie. I mean, even today, never seen it. I don't know what it's about, really. I know there's some sand in it, and maybe some cowboy boots, and a hot chick somewhere. And a guitar maybe? See, I was splitting my time fairly evenly between staring at Guy's face, dreaming about his hands all over me, tugging at my shirt all nervous like, and pretending to know how to drink.

We drank shot after shot of whiskey, and I felt like the badass of badasses. Even more basasslike, of course, as I pounded back those sweet, nasty, delicious little thimblefuls of liquid pain. I was sexy and invincible, and it was awesome. But, as each shot went down my gullet-hatch, things got fuzzier, and dreamier, and queasier.

So, Guy decided that the four, five, eight, whatever number of shots we'd each taken, weren't enough. Nope. We needed to play drinking chess. (Obviously, 'cause it's way more classy than drinking checkers.) So, he was over on my floor setting this up and I, of course, got off the couch and walked over there to help him. Oh. Wait. No, I didn't. I didn't even really see him setting up the chess board, 'cause my legs didn't work. I tried to get up, but instead was sliding off the couch, onto the floor.

Guy was apparently oblivious to the prepukesdrool rolling down my chin, 'cause if he wasn't oblivious, he would have been terrified, and not nearly as excited to exclaim, "Let's play!" ...So, at this point, I was on all fours, crawling like a hallucinating crabwoman through the living room, trying really hard not to fall over before I got to the bathroom. But, I had no idea where the bathroom was. My place was all of 800 square feet, so it shouldn't have been difficult, but I had no clue what was going on except "Must. Find. Toilet." I don't exactly remember what I said, but it was probably something really close to, "Don't... feel... good," and then, I ralphed all over the carpet. Yep. Gorgeous Guy. My house. One chance to make him think I was the sexiest, coolest thing... and I puked all up on the floor.

The best part is, that apparently the first puke wasn't the only puke I needed. I just kept on crawling toward the bathroom, closed the door once I got inside and kept puking in the toilet. I came back out, pretty sure to find Guy had gone Bye-Bye. Instead? He was cleaning up my puke.

Too gorgeous, sexy as hell, Mariah Carey song style Dream Lover, Guy, cleaned up my whiskey puke.

I wanted to die.

And I've never been able to even come close to whiskey again after that.

~J

40 comments:

eatingjourney.com said...

my first drinking encouter was in a trailer on a farm. 4 shots of 100 proof peach schnapps and 5 1/2 bud lights. It included 2 bags of popcorn and I think a Girls Gone Wild video which I ran away from. It didn't end well. Lets just say..never again.

Lacey Janae said...

i love this. i was trying to keep up just other night. apparently i was competing with a pro. and mid way through our bottle of southern comfort i was committed to the toilet...
ugh
p.s....WHY ARE YOU UP SO LATE, WOMAN?
haha, i feel so dorky commenting. like i should say..."hey Jenn, long time reader, first time commenter."
but...ANYWAY, i can relate to this story very well. too well. and i, also, now cannot stand the thought of whiskey.

Leesie said...

I think we all have lived a moment like that, I'm glad you had the balls to share yours! HAHAHA!

Runnergirl said...

What a sweetheart - but I want to know what happened next! I mean, clearly you didn't end up with him, but did you ever get to fulfill the fantasy?

I'm impressed that you remembered what had happened!

Rita said...

I just love TMI Thursday! :)
Laugh. laugh, laugh!

Sandra said...

I too never drank through most of highschool. The first time I got drunk was when I was 18 and I had a similar experience that involved me pushing another puker out of the way so as to get my head into the toilet. I did not feel very cool at all, but everyone else seemed to think it was the best thing ever that I had drank at all!

What a charming fellow to clean up your vomit! It seems that's what drunk people do for eachother. Like there's some mutual understanding that if one of you pukes, the other will help clean it up. Disgusting. And wonderful.

Mommy2Joe said...

Oh my God he was cleaning up your puke. That is the sweetest TMI story I have ever heard.

Quincifer said...

The important question is whether or not you spoke to him after that?! He can't have run a mile off if he cleaned up your puke without you asking! In your house too! Granted thats embarrassing, but its also pretty impressive! I bet no other girl got him to do that hahaha :)

nic said...

Embarrassing as that is, any guy willing to clean up puke is at least 34% keeper.

Brian Woz said...

Hilarious, and all too familiar. Reminds me of the night I had 10 White Russians in a two hour span. Not pretty.

Tara Oakley Cutler said...

YAY for TMI Thursday!!

So here's my comment: embarassing barf story aside my issue is this, YOUR PARENTS PULLED YOU OUT OF YOUR JUNIOR YEAR MUSICAL FOR DRINKING AN EFFING WINE COOLER??!! I'm outraged. This may have been acceptable if you were caught shooting up in your bedroom or robbing the local convenience store. Grrrrr.

PS. I'm ridic

Geeta said...

Oh my God - is it terrible that all I got out of that was how sweet it is that he CLEANED it up?! Haha where the heck is Guy now?!?

As an after thought, I'm sorry the night ended as it did... I feel a bit the same about whiskey after my time in India... the guys like to down it with water and ice, and since well, naturally I wanted them to know I could play with the best of them, I downed it too. Granted, my nights didn't end like the above... it just resulted in a slow, warm, constantly-consuming-whiskey-which-I-never-really-liked-to-begin-with dislike after returning to America.

Can I please just compile your stories and use them as fuel for one of my novels?! :)

Laura said...

WOW I have so BEEN THERE!! That was soooooo funny ..GUY must have been a nice GUY..cleaning up your puke..although im not sure if that made you more or less mortified the next day...

I was with a guy and I (not him) had been drinking like you were ( it didnt take me that much to get stone cold pissing in your pants drunk back then- he wasnt..he was a GOOD GUY) and we were in his truck stopped at a red light and i pushed him out his door,laid down on the seat and puked out of the drivers side door right onto the street. He took me home and tucked me in. He is one of my dearest friend today!

LiLu said...

That brings a whole new light to the term "whiskey dick"...

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get it up after that.

Happy TMIT, love!

Debbie said...

I gotta know Did you ever seee GUY again?

carissajaded said...

Oh girl that sucks! But funny in retrospect! I've never puked on anyone when drinking.. but I've had a guy wake up and walk in on me bare ass in the air losing my cookies over a toilet. not pretty. How did he react?

Renanda said...

OMG, thats great! If he cleaned up your mess, he wanted more than just a drinking buddy...

blueskies2day said...

... but what happened with the guy? Did he stay? Did you see him again? He sounds lovely....ssiigghhh...

Lauren Ashley said...

Thanks for making me feel less bad about myself and my old-lady inability to drink.

The first time I ever seriously drank I puked all over two of my best friends, carpet, wall, all the way to the bathroom....

You made me laugh like an idiot at my desk today!

Jennifer said...

awww at least he was sweet enough to clean up your mouth-chunk-age :)

Sarah said...

I laughed to myself as I read this, shaking my head, because it reminded me of some of the experiences I had when I first lived on my own and my very own "guy" story :)

The Bare Essentials Today said...

OMG! That's terrible! At least he stuck around to clean it up!
I had that happen (well, minus the hot guy cleaning up my puke) while I was babysitting...terrible I know *hangs head in shame* I family I was babysitting for had a son my age, they just didn't trust him alone with the kids. He spiked my juice with vodka, I had never had vodka before. All I remember are clips and phrases of me getting on my knees in their living room and yacking all over the place, several times. Then when they came home, I was leaning over their kitchen sink. Puking. All over their clean dishes. Not a pretty sight.

The Bare Essentials Today said...

OMG! That's terrible. At least hottie stayed around to clean it up, that was sweet!

I had that happen to me once, minus the hot guy though. I was babysitting, I know terrible. *hangs head in shame* The family had a son my age but they just didn't trust him alone with the kiddos for that long. He spiked my juice with vodka. I had never had vodka before, in fact, to this day I still can't drink vodka. I got so drunk, all I remember are clips and phrases of me getting on all fours on their living room floor and puking all over the place. When they came home, they found me propped up on the kitchen sink. Puking. All over their clean dishes.
Ugh!

BakerGirl said...

My first true really bad idea drinking story happened my sophomore year of college and involved a bottle of gold schalger and a home depot bucket. Everything was fun until I needed that home depot bucket.
*Note to all newbie drinkers out there: Don't drink with two guys. They will win and you will puke.*

MacMadchen said...

whiskey is the devil's juice! I can hang with some drinkin' but whiskey...uh uh. The ONLY time I've tried it was on a 2nd date, took 1 shot and it instantly came back up. My *now* husband still laughs about it!

Kerrie said...

Lol, I feel the same way about jagger. Thanks for sharing!

NatureCat said...

You're a great story-teller, Jenn. I love TMI Thursdays! I think we all want to know what happened to "Guy".

Andrea said...

I have to say, something like this happens to everyone at some point or another. But he cleaned up after you? That's kind of cute.

StepherB said...

I freaking LOVE TMI Thursdays! I am sure my co-workers always wonder what I am reading on the computer as I am over here trying not to laugh too much out loud! Your descriptive writing is so funny - I can visualize it all happening! Thanks for the loss of a few calories as I laugh my A$$ off reading these!

Kendra said...

OMG...That's ridiculously embarrassing!!! But FANTASTIC!! I think we all need an experience like that! I know I've got one! Only I was 16 years old...haha so it was kind of okay for me to puke my guts out in front of a couple of guy friends! :) Plus, I wasn't the only girl doing it...

Emilia said...

This post made me laugh. Not because of the situation but because a very similar thing happened to me. :)
your a great writer. if you know any teens looking for a blog to follow, please suggest me. i just started and i'd like some people before i start actually writing. :)

URL: teenlifeout.blogspot.com

erinfaith said...

priceless... and take it from someone who DID waste their teen years(and then some) drowning in a bottle of what-have-you, your story is not the first nor the last to be told of hotguy+alcohol=vomit
great blog! love reading.

The Insatiable Host said...

TGITMI!!!!!I hope you can keep up now! If it helps to know you weren't the only one who was somewhat sheltered..I had my courses picked for me through highschool and 1st year of college AND my father went to my highschool!!!NO JOKES - he took an upgrade for Lotus 1,2 and 3 and a few other Adult Learning Computer courses while I was in my Grade 9 year!!! Not only was that thouroughly humiliating on it's own, he also walked me to and from each class and once found me getting high in the smokers hut and I ended up tripping on mushrooms while getting a lecture from him...from my blog, you may recall the painful punishments I have recieved - well this one no better....I had to take the Websters Dictionary and choose 1000 words, write them out and use them in a sentence; after that was completed, he would quiz me on them...

I also want to say...Whiskey is fuel to any fire..I hope you're great!! TGITMI!!!!

justatitch said...

I was a drinking virgin, too! Until I turned 21. And wow...I would have died.

Tgoette said...

Hey we've all been there! I don't think anyone else could have told the story quite as well though. Whiskey puke is about the worst! Nice post!

Anita Bier said...

Ugh, I once barfed up whiskey also, and now I can smell it from 10 feet away if anyone has a glass and I feel the need to puke all over again like it was yesterday.

Grace said...

What happened to Mr. Hottie?! That is so sweet how he cleaned up after you without you even asking! Sign of a true gentleman (or he felt bad cuz he knew you were a good girl and made you sick...). Either way, he was very sweet!

NJ said...

Great Story Jenn. Everyone usually has one of those...of course mine is so old we call that ancient history so I'll relate one about my daughter that is more current. Cut to grade 10. Hayley just had her hair done and had her hair all straightened out and lovely. I dropped her off at a local concert. Of course she promised to be a good girl! About 10ish that night I get a call. It's Hayley's friend John who tells me Hayley got really drunk. And not only did she get drunk but she went to the top of some bleachers at the ball diamond and was standing with this other kid who was probably in the same state. She thought he was holding on to her but no...she fell from the top of the bleachers to the bottom. John told me they had gotten her to the local hospital but they needed me to bring her health card. I figured that by the time I got there she'd be sobered up. Well I was not prepared for how drunk she was. My nice shy quiet girl was totally loaded. She certainly didn't need any anaesthetic for the stitches she was given to close the wound. I just had to give her my imitation of her behaviour that day and she didn't drink again until the first year of college.

The joys of motherhood.

Oh and how nice that he cleaned up your puke. Wish my daughter could meet someone like that. As she put it so eloquently she's a real magnet for slimeballs.

SeveredSoul said...

Wow. I really enjoy reading your blog. These articles are quite inspirational !

Jennifer said...

Hahha, no, but that would have been awesome! It was a nickname someone gave me drunk in high school. She slurred my name into Jeffiner. It stuck. <3