Fatty Wah-Wah

Today I was a full of crap Fatty Wah-Wah, wallowing in my own self pity party at the mall.

I'm a photographer, so I wear black button up shirts and black pants when I photograph weddings. A few days ago I realized that I don't have any long sleeve button up black shirts and I needed to get at least one for the wedding I'm shooting Saturday.

I went to my FAVORITE store, New York and Company. They have sizes up to 18 and they have beautiful clothes. Well, I have been shopping there since I was small enough to fit into a medium, and all the way up to my extra large days. I thought today I might fit into a Large shirt. Nope. My pants were 16 regulars as I anticipated... and the Large shirt just did NOT button. Tight on the arms, barely buttoned at the button under the ta-tas. As you all know, that means it aint fitting.

I ended up getting the pants and a really cute sweater set, but the shirt, they didn't have any XL's left. BAH!

**HUMILIATION**...

Why did I have this feeling of humiliation? I have no idea. The fitting room attendant wasn't looking in over the door and laughing at me. I didn't have to try to stretch the fabric over my roly poly pudge rolls in the middle of the store. But I still felt absolutely mortified hanging the Large shirts on the rack outside my dressing room door and doing the fat walk of shame to the checkout with my big girl clothes.

The black shirt still was a necessity, so I decided to go to Old Navy. I was walking down the mall hall and saw Lane Bryant to the left of me. I tried to do everything possible to avoid going in that damn store. Like I think if I buy an "XL" in a "normal" store I'm not fat, but if I go into Lane Bryant, it confirms that I live in very big girl land.

It's particularly pathetic because I just watched and POSTED this "it's okay to buy and wear XXL clothes, beauty boosting self confidence rocking video" and I was struggling with this Junior High mentality of fitting in. (Fitting in to smaller clothes, fitting in with the thinner, prettier folks, and fitting in with my weird brain mentality that I need to be a certain size.) I kept seeing Joy (the girl in the video) say, "I've got livin' to do!" and I finally convinced myself there was nothing wrong with going in there. And I am telling you, they have GORGEOUS clothes. I was all fluppexhaustopoopted from shopping and I just wanted to get out of the mall, but I might go back. They have some really beautiful shirts and dresses.

Seriously, check this number out:


When it was all said and done, I got an XL black button up from Old Navy and it fit perfectly. It was the last one in the store. I also got two long dresses for my upcoming vacation in California. :)

~J

Measurements

Andrew asked if I tape. I do. I measure myself every few weeks, so I thought I'd post the changes in my measurements.

1/19 to 2/5

Neck 14.5 / 13.5
Left bicep 14.5 / 14
Right bicep 14 / 14
Left wrist 7 / 7
Right wrist 7 / 7
Left thigh 29 / 28
Right thigh 29 / 28
Left calf 17 / 17
Right calf 17 / 17
Left ankle 9 / 9
Right ankle 9 / 9
Chest 45 / 44
Waist 38.5 / 37
Hips 47 / 46

Not Cool.

I think this is really uncool. Since when do people think Jessica Simpson is fat? I mean, I can't stand the girl, but this is bullshit. I would understand it as a general statement of how Americans eat, if it was some random person with "American" on their shirt, and some person as the guy with "Health" on their jersey. But what the hell?!

Stop giving regular women reasons to think they're less than acceptable just because they don't look like this:


And I'm sorry, but going from this:


to this:


does not mean someone is FAT, you ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is "Ballooning" in weight? Fuck all of you. She went from REALLY thin to NORMAL.


~J

Photos of the Spicy Hotness.

I have two crazy photos.

One, my friend Wes at the height of our Atkins Skinniness.




Two, me at the height of our Atkins skinniness:





That is all.

Fat Burning to the Extreme!

I just got my ever loving ass kicked at the gym again today. Tammy really pushed me perfectly to my limits, and I was completely worn out when I left. The great news is that I did more reps on some of the weights than my last visit. Plus I did 20 minutes of light cardio ahead of time, so I'm really proud of that.

I snuck a peek at the scale today (I know, bad!) - but if things look right, I should be seeing a nice loss by next Tuesday! We'll keep our fingers crossed.

I caught this article over at Amazing Body and thought I'd share it. When I saw this part, I knew it'd be good:

Don’t follow the advice of the diets that are trying
to “make a fat person get thin”…

Follow the advice of HEALTHY people who have
NEVER been fat.


That about sums it up.

(Andrew, I'm looking at you.) :)

Skinny Jeans and Before Photos.

Alrighty!

So this is a dual post, including my skinny jeans (embarrassing much?)

I also have on here my before photos and my current stats. I put 220 lbs because I weigh in tomorrow morning and I'm not sure what things look like. I just got on the scale (6pm) and it said 220.6.




~J

Lighten Up Wisconsin!

So, I saw my personal trainer at the gym today and we talked about a few things while I was sweating my ass off on the elliptical and she was getting ready to see a client. She told me that she thinks I should join her team for "Lighten Up Wisconsin," which is a state-wide weight loss competition.



It's 100 days, and there are prizes and stuff involved. The website is cool, and once I'm signed up I'll be able to update, track and chat. The great thing is that it's kind of sponsored by personal trainers and they have "ask the experts" and things of that nature so... it'll be fun to challenge myself as well as a good bunch of resources.

Also, I'm pretty happy she asked me to join her team. I don't think she would have done that if she though I was going to quit after a month, or if she though I didn't have the ability and drive to lose the weight. :)

I'm so there.

~J

Hmmm... Confession.

Though you're probably expecting some awesome confession like "I ate three bags of chips last night" or "I made out with my ex boyfriend" or "I do heroin"...

It's really going to be about the fact that I let the scale run my life.

I weighed in at 217.8 this morning. I feel much, much, MUCH happier than I did yesterday. Yesterday I was sulking and pouting and pissed off because I felt like this wasn't working.

And who knows? Maybe it will.

I e-mailed my personal trainer and she was really responsive; we're going to review my diet and exercise and make sure I'm doing what I should be doing to drop the weight.

Woo-hoo!

~J

Healthy You Challenge Weigh-in

219.2.

This is bull crap. How LONG do you need to eat healthy and work out until some freakin' weight drops? SERIOUSLY.

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, okay, okay, photos.

Yeah, I suck at the before/after hot/not so hot photos.

I have some now.

Dan and I do a family vacation every July. Here are some comparison photos. Notice the hotness in 2006, and the not-hotness in 2008. The 2nd 2008 photo, I'm cleverly hiding behind his mom.





And since we all know the "turn to the side and twist to make yourself look thinner" move, here's a straight-on view of me from the trip with Dan and our little niece.



That is my most recent "before" photo. I remember that being around 200 lbs... and I'm around 218 right now. My friends say I don't look as fat as I do in this photo... but I also can't really believe them. ;)


And for your oogling pleasure, some photos of how skinny I used to be (pardon the oddness... these are on my fridge for inspiration and I just took pictures of them on my fridge.):





2003-2005 was probably the peak of my hotness.

Vacation with family to Oregon in 2003:


This was a fun time with Jesse and I, where we did "We Both Reached For The Gun" at a party (2005):



2003-2005 was post breakup with that guy I posted about in my first blog post. It's interesting that during this time I was (sort of) seeing this guy who I had wanted since high school, and who would not commit to me. I felt it was an issue of my not being good enough, and so I was the most strict Atkins dieter you ever saw. And I kept the weight off for that whole time. This was the ONLY time in my life I ever heard "you're starting to get too thin." (from my mother.)

It's funny. Sometimes I just wish I was feeling inadequate enough to starve myself silly again. (Though Atkins was not starving, you get my point.)

I just feel like I'll NEVER get to that weight again, and it makes me want to puke and cry simultaneously.

~J (for my 239048309th post today.)

Weight Simulator

Yeah, it's about right. Except my thighs touch. And I don't think, and really hope, my chin isn't double.



~J

Double Bubble Butt

Okay. This post will probably bring up some things that will piss people off, so I'm gonna get that statement out right away.

I must have been out of the waking world of news when this came out, but I recently discovered that the Canadian Supreme Court passed a law that airlines are required to provide two seats to obese passengers who need them for the price of one seat.

Now, I've never been so heavy as to not fit into an airline seat. I've been somewhat uncomfortable in the seat, I've been awkwardly elbowing the person next to me or fighting with myself to not use the arm rest because they might want it. But... seriously, if I was to ever get to the point where I needed two seats to fly... I would FULLY expect to PAY for both seats. I think if someone truly had a medical condition which caused their weight to be so high that they couldn't fit into a standard seat, and they had medical proof from a Doctor, that would be a different story. But eating yourself to 600 pounds does NOT qualify for me.

I go back to remembering the flight back from Denver where the plane was delayed from leaving on time because of weight restrictions for the aircraft. We sat there as they burned off roughly 200 pounds of fuel. I probably blushed or something because I knew they could have just kicked me (and my buddy pass stand by ticket) off of the plane and it would have been just fine.

Are we, as Americans, really at the point where we are all so fat that the airplanes we fly in can't even take off without burning fuel from the tank? We can't fly with a full tank because we're so chunky.

Gah.

So anyway, if it hasn't become clear, though I'm not morbidly obese, and am just "plain ol" obese... I do NOT think this law should pass here in America, if it ever gets to that point. I think it's ridiculous, and now open myself up for people to agree with me, hate me, or yell at me, or whatever.

~J

My Weight ...Fluctuates

Yeah, so does everyone elses, of course. Mine is specific. Now - I gained about 4 lbs or something over the holidays. Here's how my last two days of weigh-ins went.

Sunday morning: 221
This morning: 218.4 (my lowest so far, back when I was working out at my peak before vacation)

What do I attribute it to? Wine. When I drink wine (or hard liquor) - it drains all the water out of my body and I wake up feeling like I've been on Atkins for three days. It's awesome.

Unfortunately I have a feeling it's fake weight loss and I'll be back up again tomorrow. :(

So... aside from that nonsense, I've just been adjusting to life back here in Milwaukee and trying really hard to figure out the "friends" situation. I've applied for a few schools out here and would love to get into some classes for the spring, but those start at the end of January/ early February. I don't know if I've waited too long, but considering I'm not going for a degree or anything, hopefully there won't be too much delay in just getting me in there. I really don't want to have to wait until May to do this.

The classes I want to take?
1. Writing for Publication
2. Abnormal Psychology
3. Intro to Drawing
4. Women's Studies
5. Sex and Gender in American Culture

Sounds like a lot, huh? Yeah, I guess it is. But if it's all fun, it's not really that much is it? Maybe I'll just do two or three now and save the others for the next semester.

OH! And stay tuned... today marks the first day of my blogging the recipes I'm doing from my fabulous cookbook. :)

~J

A Few Changes.

I love the movie "The Mirror Has Two Faces." I don't know if any of you like Barbra Streisand movies, or if you've ever seen this one, but I find it to be particularly inspiring when it comes to working out, eating better and changing your body. There's a part when her husband (who married her because she was unattractive, because he didn't want sex to be a distraction or a factor in his relationships) comes home from a long business trip and she's lost a ton of weight, looks beautiful, got her hair done, is wearing makeup and a sexy dress. He is outraged and says "what did you do to yourself?!!!?" She says, "Do to myself? It's not like I had surgery. I just made a few changes."

That is really what it's all about. Making a few changes in the way you live your life. My Mom and I were talking about this over coffee today. It's the way I feel. Making a few changes: Eating more natural foods. Being more active.

I haven't worked out at the gym for three days. It's harder when I don't have a gym membership out here and my parents went to the gym early in the morning all three days. I'm a work out around 4-7pm type of person. But I've been walking a lot, and stretching a lot. I'm going to try to do some work on my Mom's Bosu Ball today. The good news is that I've been eating well and eating just at or under my recommended caloric intake for each day. Except yesterday I was about 100 calories over. No biggie.

I haven't weighed myself in two days... it's probably healthier to do that. I have an obsession with the scale and I could weigh myself several times a day if I let myself. I hope to get to the point that I weigh myself weekly instead of daily.

I went shopping with my Mom for our Christmas foods today, and we made a few small changes. Where we might previously have bought a bag of white flour rolls, we got these instead:



Where she usually buys a salad mix of iceberg lettuce (zero nutritional value), we bought this instead:



Those two things alone will provide us with healthier choices for our holiday meal.



I also wanted to share some of what I eat on a regular basis. I found a beautiful fruit salad with mango and kiwi... YUM! This is my after lunch snack:



I had Pho for lunch (Vietnamese beef noodle bowl) but I didn't get a photo of it... this is what pho looks like (image found at eatvancouver.net):




I love soy milk and all natural juice drinks and shakes:


Organic Yogurt:


Sprouted Grain Breads:


Kashi TLC crackers:


And affordable sushi from Costco... this was only 5 bucks!:


I love sushi. And, okay, I know that California rolls are NOT real sushi because it's imitation crab... and this contains white sushi rice. BUT... sushi is still a nice, light, healthy option and I feel great after I eat it. :)

Tonight I'm off to watch my friend and his band play a show, and then going out with some friends after that. Hurray for free time! :)~

~J

I love Sweet Tomatoes.

And I'm not talking about the food. I'm talking about the restaurant.

This place has a salad bar the length (practically) of the restaurant. The setup is perfect for portion control, which aside from the fact that this restaurant is environmentally friendly, using recycled paper products and such, makes them awesome. The bread/pasta/etc plates are tiny (think a teacup plate) and the plates for the salad are normal sized plates. You not convinced yet? Check out the size of their ice cream cones:




I love it. Additionally, if you're trying to record your caloric (or other) intake... the website has all the nutritional info for their foods. :)


So, went to the gym again today. 25 minutes on the elliptical trainer (Trying to do interval training now) -- it goes a lot faster in your brain because it's broken up into so many parts. My brother came with us and it was so fun to work out with him. We pushed each other, did plyometrics, work with the bosu, medicine balls and a few other tough moves he showed me (mountain climber with weights... ouch!)

Overall a great day.

I'm so sad that there aren't any Sweet Tomatoes restaurants by my house!

~J

A few things.

Today I worked out with my Dad again, did 21 minutes on the elliptical and some weight training... did the Bosu kicks again (12) and some lunges (got through 6 this time)... and did something to my left quad. It hurts. :(

And now those few things I was going to mention:

First, take a lookie at my delicious afternoon snack.

Organic vanilla yogurt with some sliced strawberries and cranberry granola



Second, take a lookie at my hot mom. This is why I'm so mad I didn't inherit her skinniness. You should see her legs.



Third, I have issues. I have serious food issues. I am very used to diet + no exercise, and doing this working out plus "eating healthy" thing is a huge challenge for me. I am used to a very specific, structured, rules oriented eating plan. Atkins was easy because it's simple: low carb. This "eating in moderation" and "eat healthy" thing is killing me. It's like... okay, so I just keep under a certain calorie count per day while trying to drink a lot of water and eat foods that are "better" for me in terms of high protein, whole grains, more natural, less processed. Okay. So... that's just really, really open ended for me.

We went to Woody's for dinner tonight and I did a huge salad and a cup of the beer cheese soup. I feel completely guilty for eating that freaking soup. Though I'm probably under my calories for the day (I haven't calculated yet) - if I'm on a diet and eating healthy, that shouldn't have gone in my mouth.

So what is acceptable for "cheating" as people call it? I don't even feel there SHOULD be cheating. I feel as though every bad thing I eat is a huge deterrent from my goal. That's why when I did Atkins, there was NO tasting of sugar, fruit, frosting, potatoes, fries, bread, nothing. The "one" taste will make me want the bad stuff more, and then it's over.

I have to look at everything and say "Will this help me achieve my goal?" No. The beer cheese soup will NOT help me achieve my goal.

I just don't get the flexibility thing.

So what eating style works best? Or, what works best for you?

Those with no food issues need not respond, thanks.

Drunky-Pants

Hi guys!

Sorry for the little update delay. I went out with Jesse and Wes last night and we went to the Compound here in Denver. We had a fabulous time, did some calorie burning dancing, and I got really drunk. Tee-hee! I definitely become the "I love everyone" person when I drink. I talked to a 59 year old man named Earl. He has a big white ZZ-Top style beard and I could tell he was there alone. He told me about his mining days and his stash of gold and diamonds he plans to cash in when he retires so he can move to Arkansas. I like to ocassionally talk to folks older than myself, usually those who are down and out or homeless... just because it really gives me a chance to hear a story, and it gives the person a few minutes to be able to talk to someone.

I know why drinking is supposed to be very minimal when you're eating healthy or "dieting"... it lowers your inhibitions, not only with other people, but also with the food you eat. I remember being on Atkins and being at parties at Jesse's house, and Wes would make his famous bean dip, and I would chow down on that without thinking twice.

We went to Mimi's Cafe for lunch/breakfast this morning and I had a delicious salmon/veggies combo with a salad to start, and a bit of the bread they bring out. Delicious! So I'm really glad, though I didn't eat anything crazy last night, that even in my hungoverness that I didn't spring for a hashbrownbaconeggathon at Denny's,. :)~

I dont' have photos of my yummy food yet because I can't figure out how to get them off of my phone, onto my computer. My cruddy cell phone doesn't e-mail the pictures I take, so I have to think of something else.

Oh! And we shopped for about 3.5 hours today, which happily equates to 811 calories burned, according to livestrong.com. I don't know if I buy it, though I felt totally exhausted when I got home. If that's the case, I should just shop all day and I'll be a size 8 in no time!!! ;)

~J

Hunky Dory

I love hunky, chunky, dense, fibrous, natural breads. I got this bread (similar to Ezekiel bread) that is preservative free, so you keep it in the fridge. I was ravenous this afternoon after shopping with my mom and had this for lunch:



Turkey, tomato, lettuce, light mayo, mustard on this bread, a handful of grapes and three strawberries. I was so full afterward. This bread is awesome. It's healthy, (only 80 calories per slice) and fills you up!

I showed my mom some of the ab exercises my trainer gave me and some lower back strengthening moves. She could barely do 5 of each one. That makes me feel a little better. ;) Considering how much she exercises and she's a size 6... she hasn't built up much ab or back strength. Even though I'm chubby she still asks me for advice on things like that, and it makes me feel good.

Tonight I'm off to the bars with Jesse and Wes to have a fun time. I'll be spending the night at Jesse's house and then we're all off to see "Milk" tomorrow... I can't wait!

Fleece and chicken grease,
~Jenn

First day in Denver!

Well lovelies... I'm home! It's really nice.

My parents picked me up and we went out for breakfast to Le Peep. They didn't exactly have a "healthy" section on the menu. I went with turkey/spinach/pepper crepes and substituted the potatoes for some fresh fruit. I also got a side salad to start and a small glass of orange juice.

My Mom and I did a bit of shopping and I introduced her to Whole Foods. That place has some serious sampling going on. Seriously. I am in Denver for 2 weeks, so I stocked up on some good food (fruit, sushi, avocado, yogurt, etc) for my stay here. I figure every other time I'll be eating out and I should be able to make healthy choices each time.

My Dad and I went to the gym. He works out at Bally's, which I hate, but it's better than running around the block in the cold. They don't have personal televisions on each cardio machine, which I find to be supremely helpful when I need to do cardio. Don't think I'm a snob... it's just because I have a much easier time doing 30 minutes of cardio when there's a show on, or a movie or something. It takes my mind off of the mundane-ness of the elliptical.

After my cardio I did 12 bosu ball kicks on each side and then was only able to do 5 lunges on each side. My legs are so weak! I did the bosu bicycle crunches (10 each side, ouchie!) and then did some weight training.

Let me tell you that my Dad is a MANIAC. He was busting out some crazy moves on the elliptical and was really good, he was on level 17 and doing 17+ for his strides. He then did walking lunges around the entire track.

So... reasons I don't like Bally's (aside from their terrible track record with customers and billing):

1. They don't provide towels
2. No screens on the cardio equipment
3. Poor housekeeping (the locker room stunk, and my parents say they laid off their cleaners)
4. Less miscellaneous tools (such as balls, bands, boards, mats, etc)

Maybe I'm spoiled at my current gym... but I know what I need to motivate me to go every day during the week... so it looks like I made a good choice. I just need to figure out how I'm going to keep it up for the rest of my vacation.

Oh, and a side note! The pants that were so tight were 14's. I found out that the pants I was wearing at work were 16's. I feel a lot better about that.

And here's a photo of the delicious salad I had for lunch. I'm telling you... Whole Foods salad bar = YUM!

Being Self Employed

My flight to Denver leaves in an hour, and I'm sitting here in the terminal typing away like a really cool blogger type person.

So... where to begin? Dan and I have a friend who works for an airline, so we are lucky enough to get buddy pass / standby tickets. The thing about those is that you have to dress up (business type attire), ie: no jeans, sweats, comfy clothes, t-shirts, hats, tennies, etc. For me, I'm thinking, "No problem, I did an office job for six years." So, I lay out my work pants, a white button up shirt and a grey sweater vest. This morning I pulled on my pants and almost started to cry. Yeah, these size 14's buttoned up, but they're tight as all getout. (Were they size 14 or 16? I can't even rememeber, and sitting here I can't pull my pants down to check.) -- I put on the white shirt which I wore at Thanksgiving and it was just about the same tightness, and pulled the sweater vest over.

Aside from the fact that I was really grumpy already from getting virtually NO sleep... I looked in the full length mirror and was so upset. Dan came up and gave me a kiss and asked what was wrong. I blurted out some variety and combination of expletives and stomped into the other room.

What do I gather from this experience? Working at home is AWESOME except for the ease in which you can fall into an expanding waistline, bootie, whatever. The fridge is in such close proximity that it's nothing to go grab food... it's right next to you. Add that to being able to wear comfy clothes all the time... (I work in my jammies for the most part) and you can gain weight without even realizing that your real clothes don't exactly fit anymore.

So. Yeah. It makes me glad that one of my goal outfits is a snazzy pinstripe suit I haven't been able to fit into correctly (ever)--- even when I was on Atkins and I dropped all that weight, my midsection still was too mushy and not toned enough to button the waist on these fabulous pants. It's only a size 10 but the waist is a size 6. ;)

Oh, and another thing. When I ran into all my "can't sleep" problems last night, I got up, had a cigarette, and was still hungry. I made one of my whole wheat pita/turkey/organic cream cheese concotions and ate that (I was only around 800 calories for the day prior to that). I thought eating would help me fall asleep. Instead, I still felt hungry after that and decided to have some cereal. I poured a HUGE bowl of two kinds of cereal mixed together (healthy wheat crunch type cereal) and topped it off with 1/3 banana slices and some soy milk. I downed that crunchy goodness so fast... and then the fullness and ickiness hit. I laid down again with Dan after attempting to watch some Lord of the Rings, and wanted to fall asleep. I immediately felt guilty for eating that much, particularly so late. Dan said that I eat so fast my body doesn't recognize that I'm full until I'm too full. I've heard that before... I'm a super fast scarfer eater. I'll eat my meal so much faster than anyone else around me, sometimes I feel like a bit of a freak. I attribute that to super rushed lunch breaks, running, grabbing food, coming back, and scarfing it at my desk for fear of a customer coming in or not having enough time to actually eat like a normal human being.

Anyways. Thought I'd share a bit about my little episode this morning. Needless to say it will give me sufficient motivation to stick to my eating and workout regimine while I'm in Denver. I want these pants to fit a little looser and my GUT to hang out a little less when I put this freakin' outfit back on when I fly back to Milwaukee.

Love and coconuts,
~Jenn