Picture Yourself Thinner

There's been a rep e-mailing a bunch of us weight loss bloggers about the website Picture Yourself Thinner. I thought I'd try my own. I gave myself a serious case of weird bobble head, and my arms look thinner than I think they've ever been. I might have gone too far, but I still want to be a 6/8. Oh, and my boobs will NEVER stay that big - they really shrink to SMALL boobies when I lose weight. So anyway. Yeah. Hilarious. ;)

:)

Fatty Wah-Wah

Today I was a full of crap Fatty Wah-Wah, wallowing in my own self pity party at the mall.

I'm a photographer, so I wear black button up shirts and black pants when I photograph weddings. A few days ago I realized that I don't have any long sleeve button up black shirts and I needed to get at least one for the wedding I'm shooting Saturday.

I went to my FAVORITE store, New York and Company. They have sizes up to 18 and they have beautiful clothes. Well, I have been shopping there since I was small enough to fit into a medium, and all the way up to my extra large days. I thought today I might fit into a Large shirt. Nope. My pants were 16 regulars as I anticipated... and the Large shirt just did NOT button. Tight on the arms, barely buttoned at the button under the ta-tas. As you all know, that means it aint fitting.

I ended up getting the pants and a really cute sweater set, but the shirt, they didn't have any XL's left. BAH!

**HUMILIATION**...

Why did I have this feeling of humiliation? I have no idea. The fitting room attendant wasn't looking in over the door and laughing at me. I didn't have to try to stretch the fabric over my roly poly pudge rolls in the middle of the store. But I still felt absolutely mortified hanging the Large shirts on the rack outside my dressing room door and doing the fat walk of shame to the checkout with my big girl clothes.

The black shirt still was a necessity, so I decided to go to Old Navy. I was walking down the mall hall and saw Lane Bryant to the left of me. I tried to do everything possible to avoid going in that damn store. Like I think if I buy an "XL" in a "normal" store I'm not fat, but if I go into Lane Bryant, it confirms that I live in very big girl land.

It's particularly pathetic because I just watched and POSTED this "it's okay to buy and wear XXL clothes, beauty boosting self confidence rocking video" and I was struggling with this Junior High mentality of fitting in. (Fitting in to smaller clothes, fitting in with the thinner, prettier folks, and fitting in with my weird brain mentality that I need to be a certain size.) I kept seeing Joy (the girl in the video) say, "I've got livin' to do!" and I finally convinced myself there was nothing wrong with going in there. And I am telling you, they have GORGEOUS clothes. I was all fluppexhaustopoopted from shopping and I just wanted to get out of the mall, but I might go back. They have some really beautiful shirts and dresses.

Seriously, check this number out:


When it was all said and done, I got an XL black button up from Old Navy and it fit perfectly. It was the last one in the store. I also got two long dresses for my upcoming vacation in California. :)

~J

Not Cool.

I think this is really uncool. Since when do people think Jessica Simpson is fat? I mean, I can't stand the girl, but this is bullshit. I would understand it as a general statement of how Americans eat, if it was some random person with "American" on their shirt, and some person as the guy with "Health" on their jersey. But what the hell?!

Stop giving regular women reasons to think they're less than acceptable just because they don't look like this:


And I'm sorry, but going from this:


to this:


does not mean someone is FAT, you ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is "Ballooning" in weight? Fuck all of you. She went from REALLY thin to NORMAL.


~J

Breaking the Negative Self Talk Cycle

So, I was reading up at Scale Junkie today and decided to take the challenge to write down ten positive things about myself.

"Big whoop, we do that on facebook every day when we get tagged."

Yeah, well... for "normal", non food-obsessed folks, it's a little easier. When you get caught in the yo-yo-diet trap and are constantly obsessing over your numbers, weight, flaws, flab and fatness, it gets progressively more and more difficult.

As time moves along I find myself engaging in self hate talk and thoughts. "I'm so fat." "Yeah, look at these thunder thighs!" "I couldn't fit into that in 100 years." "I'm so disgusting."

And it continues. Now, it's not that it happens all the time, but it happens a lot. Nobody's partner should have to continually say, "You're not fat." Especially one who calls you beautiful all the time. :)


So. Here I go.

* When I have clear rules, I'm REALLY good at following an eating plan.
* I try to exceed my trainer's expectations, and usually do
* I keep a good sense of humor, even if I fail
* I am a loving partner and loving kitty momma
* I have a capacity to learn and will seek new information daily
* I can read 100 pages an hour, so I can read a new book almost every day
* I am a talented photographer
* I am a good writer, dammit, and I will finish my book
* I'm a good cook, and can make healthy meals for myself and Dan every day
* I feel really proud of myself and happy after I've worked out


And now I'll say what she said:

Your turn, even if it hurts, even if it causes some discomfort, write a list of positive things that are true about you. I wrote 10, you can write more or less but do at least 6 and really push yourself out of that comfort zone and look inside of yourself for this list. You don’t have to share them if you don’t want but I really REALLY hope you do! Looking a little deeper sometimes provides the push that we need.

Photos of the Spicy Hotness.

I have two crazy photos.

One, my friend Wes at the height of our Atkins Skinniness.




Two, me at the height of our Atkins skinniness:





That is all.

Okay, okay, okay, photos.

Yeah, I suck at the before/after hot/not so hot photos.

I have some now.

Dan and I do a family vacation every July. Here are some comparison photos. Notice the hotness in 2006, and the not-hotness in 2008. The 2nd 2008 photo, I'm cleverly hiding behind his mom.





And since we all know the "turn to the side and twist to make yourself look thinner" move, here's a straight-on view of me from the trip with Dan and our little niece.



That is my most recent "before" photo. I remember that being around 200 lbs... and I'm around 218 right now. My friends say I don't look as fat as I do in this photo... but I also can't really believe them. ;)


And for your oogling pleasure, some photos of how skinny I used to be (pardon the oddness... these are on my fridge for inspiration and I just took pictures of them on my fridge.):





2003-2005 was probably the peak of my hotness.

Vacation with family to Oregon in 2003:


This was a fun time with Jesse and I, where we did "We Both Reached For The Gun" at a party (2005):



2003-2005 was post breakup with that guy I posted about in my first blog post. It's interesting that during this time I was (sort of) seeing this guy who I had wanted since high school, and who would not commit to me. I felt it was an issue of my not being good enough, and so I was the most strict Atkins dieter you ever saw. And I kept the weight off for that whole time. This was the ONLY time in my life I ever heard "you're starting to get too thin." (from my mother.)

It's funny. Sometimes I just wish I was feeling inadequate enough to starve myself silly again. (Though Atkins was not starving, you get my point.)

I just feel like I'll NEVER get to that weight again, and it makes me want to puke and cry simultaneously.

~J (for my 239048309th post today.)

Weight Simulator

Yeah, it's about right. Except my thighs touch. And I don't think, and really hope, my chin isn't double.



~J

You're Turning Violet, Violet!

So... I had the opportunity, now that I'm home in Denver to go see my FABULOUS hair stylist Travis. I wanted to do something fun and funky because I am my own boss, and don't have to deal with corporate bullshit dictating what I can and can't wear, what piercings or tattoos I have, or what color my hair is.

The result? A kickass mix of black, purple and white blonde hair. BAD ASS!

Travis is AMAZING.




That's all.