It's so easy to forget.

I've been doing some thinking lately.  I realized that my weight has fluctuated up and down within an 8 or 9 pound window since November, and it really started to piss me off.  I was beating myself up about it, and allowing my mind to slip back into the negative self talk I was so used to 20, 30, 40 pounds ago.

Then I remembered how I felt when I hit the 180 mark, and when I hit the 175 mark.  I felt so happy.  I had accomplished something amazing!  Why don't I still embrace that fact today?  It's amazing that I can look in the mirror, and see only the negative things in my mind.  I look at my arms or my stomach, or the water retention in my face, and feel fat.  I go back to long sleeved shirts and covering up, and hiding from the world.  Why?  When I first hit that 175, I put on some skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt, and flaunted my hot ass around!  ...And still today, I'm struggling with my body image.

I look at my dear friend Beth who has lost right around the same amount of weight as I have (A little more, I think,) and she's looking wonderful.  She doesn't whine about the extra 10 or 15 pounds she might want to lose.  Nope.  She's started a new healthy eating blog about her approach.  She treats her body with respect and balances her life with a positive outlook and feeding her family healthy foods.  She embraces life, and rejects negativity.  She's my fucking hero.

Then today I heard from my friend Danon (also known as the Insatiable Host.)  She's doing a pinup contest at her blog, and it's awesome.  Send in a picture of yourself all gussied up like a pinup, and you could win something very cool.  (Go check it out for yourself.)

"Now that's a thought," I thought.  Here in this dieting, working out, weight obsessed world we all live in, both of these women are taking an active role in making sure we focus on the positive.  Reminding me about agave nectar and green smoothies.  Giving me an excuse to wear a sexy dress, do my hair, and put on some freakin' red lipstick.  I can't wait.

I encourage all of you guys to examine how you're feeling about yourself.  I hope you're feeling good.  If not, take this next week with me, and really treat yourself to some fabulousness.  Take a hot bath and exfoliate.  Paint your nails.  Deep condition your hair.  Get a facial.  Ask your husband for a back rub, for goodness sake!  Have a margarita if you want one.  And look in the mirror.  Look, and love.  Eyeball those sexy eyes and give yourself a kiss, dammit.

You're worth love... especially from yourself.

~Jenn

Wakey, Wakey, Me no Makey.

So, as I've been on vacation, I was really behind all of you on taking Fat Bridesmaid's no-makeup-photo challenge.

Well, I swore to myself that I'd do it and participate, and dammit, even though I'm late, I'm gonna do it.

I really like this idea because it reminds me of a GREAT blog post my friend Beth did about a photo she saw of herself and about self-love. Here's a little excerpt:

I may sometimes feel envious of the women with slim figures and perfect skin, but you know which women I am the most jealous of? The ones who seem a little eccentric, who wear clothes that make them feel good even if they aren’t the latest style, who don’t wear make-up and just leave their hair be, who dance like nobody’s watching - the women who are comfortable in their skin. I want it, and I’m going to get it.

For more, you should go over to her blog and read it.


And without further ado, here's my photo:





I'll post again later with some more fun photos from my vacation! :~)

Staircase Wit

This is for ALL of us who have been yelled at, made fun of, or had some ass face say some shitty thing to us about our weight.



I love you guys.

<3 J

Picture Yourself Thinner

There's been a rep e-mailing a bunch of us weight loss bloggers about the website Picture Yourself Thinner. I thought I'd try my own. I gave myself a serious case of weird bobble head, and my arms look thinner than I think they've ever been. I might have gone too far, but I still want to be a 6/8. Oh, and my boobs will NEVER stay that big - they really shrink to SMALL boobies when I lose weight. So anyway. Yeah. Hilarious. ;)

:)

Disappointed.

I started the Lighten Up Wisconsin challenge at 218 lbs on January 15th.

Today I weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 205. And that's butt nekkid, so with clothes in late afternoon it'd be closer to 207 to 208.

There was a contest inside the challenge to lose 15 pounds or more. I joined that contest for $15, and everyone who accomplishes that weight loss gets to split the pot.

Tomorrow is the final weigh in deadline, and I'm not going. (You don't have to if you didn't make 15 lbs or more.)


It is BEYOND pathetic that I can't manage to lose 15 pounds in 3.5 months.

Seriously. I am at the point where I feel like doing something crazy to lose weight. I am SO sick of slow and steady. I'd swallow a tape worm if I had one.

Okay, maybe not a tape worm. But I'm really pissed off.

~J

Honestly?

I'm having a little bit of trouble getting in touch with myself. I have blogged all about the cruise but not about how I truly felt through it. I've posted photos but not really told you about my experiences. I've put up five or six John Mayer related blogs because I've been in a JM coma for the last two weeks and it's all I can put out there. (No, seriously. I've easily wasted the equivalent of six solid hours a night at TRY JM, reading interviews, watching YouTube clips and looking at photos.)

I certainly haven't talked much about weight and weight loss progress because I'm sort of hiding from it right now.

Things are good. Weight's basically the same. My self image is low. My happiness in life is fairly high. I'm in a confused state.

I suppose I'm stuck in the middle of figuring myself out. I'm sorry that means I'm giving less in terms of real updates and sharing. Maybe I'll work it out soon and share something worthwhile.

I'll be around, I promise.

~J

Weight Quandaries.

I am in a weird place.

I would love to wake up tomorrow and be 50 lbs lighter. I also have never felt freakin' lazier.

Yesterday I didn't eat so well. We went to Dan's Grandmother's funeral and they had food there. Then the b-day celebration for Christina last night. Here's my rough food intake yesterday:

Breakfast:
1 large bowl cereal w/ 3/4 cup milk
1 diet coke

@ The Funeral - starving!:
1 slice kringle
1 cup coffee w/ 2 creamers and 2 sweet n lows

Lunch @ funeral reception:
1 diet coke
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/4 cup gravy
1/2 cup stuffing
1 roll, 2 pads butter
3/4 cup fruit
1/2 cup coleslaw
1 slice cheesecake thing with cherries on top

Dinner @ birthday thing:
2 pieces garlic toast
1/2 piece mozzarella marinara
3 slices 12" veggie thin crust pizza
10 diet cokes

Don't judge me for the diet cokes - I was DD last night.

So yeah, I'm just feelin' tired this morning and I feel puffy from all the salt intake (I could REALLY taste it in the stuffing.) -- I haven't been active and I feel like a blob!

At the same time last night Christina was so sweet and said, "You look so great, I can really tell you've lost weight." And of course that made me feel good and not like a loser for eating that pizza. But then I saw the pictures she snapped of me while I sang karaoke, and next to her and her 6 other THIN and GORGEOUS friends, I wanted to stab myself in the face.

May's right - all you need to snap back to reality is to try on bathing suits or see photos of yourself. UGH.

I hate this feeling and I really just want to get back to normal.

Fatty Wah-Wah

Today I was a full of crap Fatty Wah-Wah, wallowing in my own self pity party at the mall.

I'm a photographer, so I wear black button up shirts and black pants when I photograph weddings. A few days ago I realized that I don't have any long sleeve button up black shirts and I needed to get at least one for the wedding I'm shooting Saturday.

I went to my FAVORITE store, New York and Company. They have sizes up to 18 and they have beautiful clothes. Well, I have been shopping there since I was small enough to fit into a medium, and all the way up to my extra large days. I thought today I might fit into a Large shirt. Nope. My pants were 16 regulars as I anticipated... and the Large shirt just did NOT button. Tight on the arms, barely buttoned at the button under the ta-tas. As you all know, that means it aint fitting.

I ended up getting the pants and a really cute sweater set, but the shirt, they didn't have any XL's left. BAH!

**HUMILIATION**...

Why did I have this feeling of humiliation? I have no idea. The fitting room attendant wasn't looking in over the door and laughing at me. I didn't have to try to stretch the fabric over my roly poly pudge rolls in the middle of the store. But I still felt absolutely mortified hanging the Large shirts on the rack outside my dressing room door and doing the fat walk of shame to the checkout with my big girl clothes.

The black shirt still was a necessity, so I decided to go to Old Navy. I was walking down the mall hall and saw Lane Bryant to the left of me. I tried to do everything possible to avoid going in that damn store. Like I think if I buy an "XL" in a "normal" store I'm not fat, but if I go into Lane Bryant, it confirms that I live in very big girl land.

It's particularly pathetic because I just watched and POSTED this "it's okay to buy and wear XXL clothes, beauty boosting self confidence rocking video" and I was struggling with this Junior High mentality of fitting in. (Fitting in to smaller clothes, fitting in with the thinner, prettier folks, and fitting in with my weird brain mentality that I need to be a certain size.) I kept seeing Joy (the girl in the video) say, "I've got livin' to do!" and I finally convinced myself there was nothing wrong with going in there. And I am telling you, they have GORGEOUS clothes. I was all fluppexhaustopoopted from shopping and I just wanted to get out of the mall, but I might go back. They have some really beautiful shirts and dresses.

Seriously, check this number out:


When it was all said and done, I got an XL black button up from Old Navy and it fit perfectly. It was the last one in the store. I also got two long dresses for my upcoming vacation in California. :)

~J

Breaking the Negative Self Talk Cycle

So, I was reading up at Scale Junkie today and decided to take the challenge to write down ten positive things about myself.

"Big whoop, we do that on facebook every day when we get tagged."

Yeah, well... for "normal", non food-obsessed folks, it's a little easier. When you get caught in the yo-yo-diet trap and are constantly obsessing over your numbers, weight, flaws, flab and fatness, it gets progressively more and more difficult.

As time moves along I find myself engaging in self hate talk and thoughts. "I'm so fat." "Yeah, look at these thunder thighs!" "I couldn't fit into that in 100 years." "I'm so disgusting."

And it continues. Now, it's not that it happens all the time, but it happens a lot. Nobody's partner should have to continually say, "You're not fat." Especially one who calls you beautiful all the time. :)


So. Here I go.

* When I have clear rules, I'm REALLY good at following an eating plan.
* I try to exceed my trainer's expectations, and usually do
* I keep a good sense of humor, even if I fail
* I am a loving partner and loving kitty momma
* I have a capacity to learn and will seek new information daily
* I can read 100 pages an hour, so I can read a new book almost every day
* I am a talented photographer
* I am a good writer, dammit, and I will finish my book
* I'm a good cook, and can make healthy meals for myself and Dan every day
* I feel really proud of myself and happy after I've worked out


And now I'll say what she said:

Your turn, even if it hurts, even if it causes some discomfort, write a list of positive things that are true about you. I wrote 10, you can write more or less but do at least 6 and really push yourself out of that comfort zone and look inside of yourself for this list. You don’t have to share them if you don’t want but I really REALLY hope you do! Looking a little deeper sometimes provides the push that we need.

Photos of the Spicy Hotness.

I have two crazy photos.

One, my friend Wes at the height of our Atkins Skinniness.




Two, me at the height of our Atkins skinniness:





That is all.

Lighten Up Wisconsin!

So, I saw my personal trainer at the gym today and we talked about a few things while I was sweating my ass off on the elliptical and she was getting ready to see a client. She told me that she thinks I should join her team for "Lighten Up Wisconsin," which is a state-wide weight loss competition.



It's 100 days, and there are prizes and stuff involved. The website is cool, and once I'm signed up I'll be able to update, track and chat. The great thing is that it's kind of sponsored by personal trainers and they have "ask the experts" and things of that nature so... it'll be fun to challenge myself as well as a good bunch of resources.

Also, I'm pretty happy she asked me to join her team. I don't think she would have done that if she though I was going to quit after a month, or if she though I didn't have the ability and drive to lose the weight. :)

I'm so there.

~J

Ring, Ring, Ring goes my eardrum...

I just got back from a LOUD Rock and Roll concert with Dan and our friends. Dan's Dad plays bass in a band called Road Rage - and they ROCK. We sat right up front, and got our eardrums blasted out. I have been to many a loud concert before, but I don't ever recall my ears feeling like they are going to explode. I have been sitting here, putting my finger up to my ear expecting to find blood on it. This hurts.

Before going to the concert we went to a restaurant/bar with another couple, and I only had 345 calories left for the day. This "restaurant" did not have ANYTHING not doused in cheesy marinara fat sausage sauce. Though the Italian in me really would have loved to chow down on some spaghetti and meatballs... it just wasn't in the cards.

Do you want to know what I hate? I hate it when you actually HAVE the willpower to say "no" to bad foods, and people berate you for it.

"Come on, just ONE bite?"

"Really, you're not going to have any? But it's SO good!"

"Come on, I'm gonna shove this pizza in your mouth!"


And I know those people are the same freaking people who talk about me some other night when I DO decide to eat pizza, and say to each other, "Wow, she really has gained weight. Maybe she shouldn't eat so much pizza."

Now, I am not quoting that as fact, and it's probably my insecurities peeking through (in a forceful way...) - but that's just how I feel. People who don't struggle with their weight, or those who don't battle the bulge, just don't get it.


Listen. It's hard enough to fight my own temptations inside this squirrely, crazy maze, deep-fried-cheese and donut loving brain of mine, let alone having to deal with other people trying to shove food down my throat.


And on that note, I'll share what I DID have for dinner when we got home:

Health Nut bread with turkey, light mayo, mustard, mushrooms, spinach leaves, American cheese and organic pea sprouts. DELICIOUS! (Oh, and grapes.) :)

Lucky, Indeed

I had to get up at the crack of dawn's butt today. My car needed to go to the shop, and Dan lovingly got up with me. As we were bundled up in lots of layers to battle the tundra-like cold, and I stood there smoking a cigarette while he scraped snow off of the cars, I just thought to myself how much I love him.

Golly Gee... lucky me. :) <3

Resowhations?

So, I am obsessed with fat / weight / weight loss / diet blogs.

I've been doing some random searching through Google, and happened across Fat Girl on a Date, and I dig this chick. Her writing is good, she's got some solid content and actually writes intriguing blogs that keep me interested.

She mentioned something in a blog that a friend of hers had told her.

"We spend all this time looking for the right person, when what we should be doing is becoming the right person."

I LOVE this. It's similar to what I like to tell people, "Before you can be half of a whole in a relationship, you have to be whole in and of yourself." But I like the other one better.

So for all my single friends out there... take it to heart. Don't look at your singledom as a dooming, depressing time. Look at it as free time to make yourself into exactly who you dream of being. Healthy, successful, happy, peaceful, whatever.

Now is your time. This is your year.


~J