Disappointed.

I started the Lighten Up Wisconsin challenge at 218 lbs on January 15th.

Today I weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of 205. And that's butt nekkid, so with clothes in late afternoon it'd be closer to 207 to 208.

There was a contest inside the challenge to lose 15 pounds or more. I joined that contest for $15, and everyone who accomplishes that weight loss gets to split the pot.

Tomorrow is the final weigh in deadline, and I'm not going. (You don't have to if you didn't make 15 lbs or more.)


It is BEYOND pathetic that I can't manage to lose 15 pounds in 3.5 months.

Seriously. I am at the point where I feel like doing something crazy to lose weight. I am SO sick of slow and steady. I'd swallow a tape worm if I had one.

Okay, maybe not a tape worm. But I'm really pissed off.

~J

Honestly?

I'm having a little bit of trouble getting in touch with myself. I have blogged all about the cruise but not about how I truly felt through it. I've posted photos but not really told you about my experiences. I've put up five or six John Mayer related blogs because I've been in a JM coma for the last two weeks and it's all I can put out there. (No, seriously. I've easily wasted the equivalent of six solid hours a night at TRY JM, reading interviews, watching YouTube clips and looking at photos.)

I certainly haven't talked much about weight and weight loss progress because I'm sort of hiding from it right now.

Things are good. Weight's basically the same. My self image is low. My happiness in life is fairly high. I'm in a confused state.

I suppose I'm stuck in the middle of figuring myself out. I'm sorry that means I'm giving less in terms of real updates and sharing. Maybe I'll work it out soon and share something worthwhile.

I'll be around, I promise.

~J

Weight Quandaries.

I am in a weird place.

I would love to wake up tomorrow and be 50 lbs lighter. I also have never felt freakin' lazier.

Yesterday I didn't eat so well. We went to Dan's Grandmother's funeral and they had food there. Then the b-day celebration for Christina last night. Here's my rough food intake yesterday:

Breakfast:
1 large bowl cereal w/ 3/4 cup milk
1 diet coke

@ The Funeral - starving!:
1 slice kringle
1 cup coffee w/ 2 creamers and 2 sweet n lows

Lunch @ funeral reception:
1 diet coke
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/4 cup gravy
1/2 cup stuffing
1 roll, 2 pads butter
3/4 cup fruit
1/2 cup coleslaw
1 slice cheesecake thing with cherries on top

Dinner @ birthday thing:
2 pieces garlic toast
1/2 piece mozzarella marinara
3 slices 12" veggie thin crust pizza
10 diet cokes

Don't judge me for the diet cokes - I was DD last night.

So yeah, I'm just feelin' tired this morning and I feel puffy from all the salt intake (I could REALLY taste it in the stuffing.) -- I haven't been active and I feel like a blob!

At the same time last night Christina was so sweet and said, "You look so great, I can really tell you've lost weight." And of course that made me feel good and not like a loser for eating that pizza. But then I saw the pictures she snapped of me while I sang karaoke, and next to her and her 6 other THIN and GORGEOUS friends, I wanted to stab myself in the face.

May's right - all you need to snap back to reality is to try on bathing suits or see photos of yourself. UGH.

I hate this feeling and I really just want to get back to normal.

Self Sabotage and Other Oddities...

So, every time I go to the gym, it's packed. The gym I go to is very nice, and hugely popular. And every time I go, I see people drive in, and circle the parking lot several times trying to find the closest parking space to the gym.

... Why is that? Seriously. We're coming to the gym to work out, move around and get healthy. So what is a walk worth a dozen or two car widths to get through the front doors? I pull into the first open parking space within a reasonable distance (not the furthest from the front doors, but I don't do the rounds.) And... I just don't get why people make a close parking space such a big deal.

So, the other part of this post is about self sabotage. I know I've blogged previously about how a waitress sabotaged me with free carrot cake, but I'm talking about my willing and clear reach to Dan's bowl of starburst jelly beans when I know full damn well I should NOT be eating sugar. Why do I do that? I had a whole list a few weeks ago of things I "don't" eat. That included sugar and white flour. Yet, today, I had a big handful of pretzels. Yeah, those few snack bits in and of themselves aren't a huge deal. But I only crave sugar and white flour products when I eat them. When I cut them out, I don't WANT them all the time. And it's a mindless grabbing of a bite here, and a bite there, that make things worse for me in the long run. I'm not eating those things because I really want them. I'm not like, jonesing for a handful of banana chips. But after I eat them, a day or two passes, and I see them sitting there on the coffee table, and I'm like "ooh, yum! Banana chips!" And I eat a few more.

I need to quit that shit.

I have a small selection of "healthy" snacks in the house. I'm not inclined to make a quick salad instead of grabbing a handful of yogurt covered raisins or shoving my grubby fist down into a box of pops. But, I should be eating a yogurt or a kashi bar instead.

I'm a slave to my mindless noshing, and I need to break free.


~J