Sunday, December 6, 2009

I totally screwed myself.

Yeah, I think I just screwed myself.

First I'm gonna get the better news out of the way. I did my 7th day of the 30 Day Shred today and I decided to try out level 2. I was a snarky, snarky, snark pants. I thought "I'm pretty decent with everything except full "normal" push ups so I should be okay." Wrongio. Level 2 is very heavy on upper body. I'm sore right now, and I'm gonna be damn sore tomorrow.

I really do like a lot of level 2 though, so I'm thinking for the ones I can't do quite yet I'll sub out the harder strength or cardio moves from level one. So, right now I have decided that I'm saying I'm on level 1.5. :)

So, for the bad news:

I was going to do a hip lil' post on making healthy eating choices, as I nibbled away on my thin crust Pizza Hut pizza with light sauce, tomatoes and mushrooms. Then I looked online, and apparently 1/2 a large pizza is around 960 calories.

Holy shitballs. So, yeah... scratch what I was going to say on that.

Here's the damage:

Yeah. I'll come back with a healthy eating choices post... later.

ALTHOUGH... I will say that for Dan to eat 1/2 of his large Pan Pizza with sausage and mushrooms, it'll cost him 1560 calories, so by comparison mine is better. I'm used to eating Domino's, which gives you the online option of clicking "easy on the cheese," so this pizza was way too cheesy for me. But what made me honestly say, "Yeah, pizza, why not?" Dan is a horrible influence on me.

"Babe, we haven't had pizza in forever, do you mind if I order some?"
"Not at all, order whatever you want."
"Well do you want a healthy one like your thin crust veggie or something?"
"Umm, I was just going to do a salad."
"Well I've got a coupon so we could get one for you."
"Hm, well that wouldn't be too bad,"

And now I find myself sitting here feeling guilty for eating more than 2/3 my daily calorie intake in one sitting. Now, I'm normally really good about what I eat, so I'm not going to freak out too, too, too much. It's not like it's going to kill me... BUT, I want to take a second and really look at why I ate the pizza, and... was it all that super enjoyable? No. Would I do it again? Nuh-uh. Do I feel like a greasybloatedtoofullpizzaeatingpiggie? Yes.

So, next time Dan offers, I'm gonna say, "NO!" And I'll move on with my salad, y'all.

This is what I've been trying to tell you guys. Finding this "balance" in life, where sometimes it's okay to eat pizza and you can have a hot fudge sundae once in awhile... I seriously can't find that balance. I don't like it, 'cause it doesn't feel like "balance." It feels like a giant setback, and it feels like I'm weak and lazy and slothful. It feels absolutely horrible. It feels like I should go on a water fast tomorrow.

Maybe this so-called "balance" you people talk about is something you find after you lose the weight.

So... speaking of food, I also wanted to show you guys some photos. I notice that I have a compulsion to finish all my food. I'm sitting right now next to my pizza box, half full, and it's driving me a little batty that there's half a pizza left. I'm not going to eat it, but I want to. So, it's going into the fridge.

Okay, crap I just ate one more piece. (Square piece, not normal piece.) Gah! In the fridge, NOW!

So... I started to pay attention to the way Dan eats, and he leaves food all the time. I just don't do that.

We went to Chili's for dinner yesterday and I had the Guiltless Grill cedar plank tilapia... (delicious, if you're curious) with a side salad.

Dan got the rib eye with mashed potatoes and gravy and veggies, along with the butter and garlic soaked toast. (YUM...) This is what he left on his plate:

It was driving me crazy. I kept sticking my finger in the gravy and saying, "Dammit, I'd just totally eat up those little last bits."

It's just further proof that I apparently have more food issues than I already know about, and more than I thought I did. What IS the compulsion to finish all the food!?



~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Food is evil....but so good. Hopefully we all find our balance!

The Sassy Orange said...

It's no different than being an alcoholic - an alcoholic can't leave a bottle alone. We food addicts can't leave our plates alone until they're empty. It's taken me a year to get to the point where I eat until I am full, not stuffed.

Chibi said...

I have days where I *have* to clear my plate, and days where I'm celebrating leaving a few bites behind. I swear, hearing "clear your plate!" as a child really sticks with you!

Haley said...

I'm the same way! I took the last couple of days "off" because my dad was in town visiting - I didn't go crazy, but I didn't bother counting, since I knew I'd go over. Which is okay, in moderation, occasionally.
But I do tend to finish everything on my plate, always. I'm really OC about it. When we eat out, I've started asking them to box up half the entree in advance - that way I don't eat the whole flippin' thing in one sitting, and I get to enjoy it for lunch again the next day. I looove leftovers!
I also use a little trick - when I want more pizza, or ice cream, or whatever, I try to remind myself that this is not the last pizza I'll ever eat in my life, so it's okay to pass on it.
Anyways, hope that helps.

This Little Girl Dreams... said...

Woman I feel your pain. I just scarfed down 3 pieces of delicious mushroom and pepperoni pizza goodness. Now I feel like a bloated fat ass. Oh the crazy things stress and finals makes you do I tell you!

Vodka Logic said...

Our mothers (mine at least) saying no dessert unless you clean your plate..

Anonymous said...

Mmm, mushroom and pepperoni, my fave! Of course, my boring and bland advice is to eat 25% of the pizza, and a side salad, that's <500 pizza calories at least, and a reasonable dinner. And four meals instead of two, economical!

I consider myself lucky to not have been indoctrinated into the clean plate club. If it's not something that'll taste good tomorrow, or there's no homeless nearby who'll eat it, I'll leave it behind, even if there's a lot left. I see the wastefulness in that, but realistically, compared to groceries/restaurants, that's nothing. Unless it's super-excellent, I usually leave a bite or two behind, for my ED ghosts, or other superstitious reasons I'm not aware of. I have started to recognize that I don't eat so much, and order tinier meals.

Jordan E said...

My philosophy on why it's hard is because unlike addiction to alcohol or something, you can't just give it up all together. You HAVE to eat to survive. Every single time you eat, you have to make a choice and it gets tiring, right?

I don't think it ever ends, although once you're not trying to LOSE weight, just maintaining, I think you can test out your limits a little bit and maybe allow yourself one day a weekend or two days a month where you can eat whatever the hell you want for a meal and it doesn't affect you b/c you eat healthy every other day. Weight watchers "flex points" system does a good job of this, I think.

I struggle the exact same way though, UGH. Why is it so much harder for women too?

Lianne said...

its so hard to say no to yummy food!!!

Anonymous said...

Okay, my point is about what you said about finding balance once the weight is lost.

Because sometimes I find that to be my philosphy, and I say things to myself like "Fuck, pizza will still be there when I'm a size 12" or whatev. Then I either drive myself insane picking out my hair one strand at a time while the family eats their Little Cesars, or I skip the first hour of book club when they're all noshing on munchies before talking about the book or whatever, and so on.

And this makes me very very crabby.

So, other times I say to myself "Self? I should be able to strike a balance NOW. I need to learn how to do that." So I go to the party, and even if I stick to moderate intake, one glass of wine, or even if I fall face first into the potato salad, it is still all about the scale. And if something prevents me from losing, or losing enough, I am again pulling out my hair strand by strand.

I don't know. I guess I have some issues to examine, too.

I have played my cards VERY VERY well this week. Watched my intake, didn't do weekend cocktails, and have really upped my workouts (still not sure I'm talking to you yet because of all the Jillian Michaels soreness) and am fully expecting to be below 200 tomorrow. And if I'm not, it will take every bit of restraint I have not to come and finish your pizza as I drown my sorrows.

I don't even remember what my point was now. Did I make one?

Jody said...

I've just discovered your blog and really enjoy it... as someone who struggles every day to keep off 30 lbs lost 7 years ago, I get it. But I still could have eaten a full pizza. Don't be too hard on yourself.


carla said...

I clearly recall meeting my now husband and going out to eat with him and noticing the SAME FREAKIN THING!
and then going out with his family and seeing they all did that.

he'd order and leave entire side dishes untouched (!) and when I finally asked him about it he just said:
eh, I didnt want it when it came.

when I pressed :) him more and said:
but you paid for it!!

he said:
yes SUNK COST. it was already paid for by me why on earth should I eat it if I was no longer hungry?

that was mindblowing to me...


Anonymous said...

Why do we feel the compulsion to finish all the food?

1. Because it's "bad" if you don't, you know. My dad told me so ;)

2. We spend the whole time trying NOT to eat, so when we do, we aren't gonna LEAVE any of it, food is just so good! NOM NOM NOM. Clean plate. Repeat.

3. Mindless eating. Not listening to your body whilst eating.

And pizza is ok, you are working out far more than normal anyways, and you are so strong for leaving half of it! You still did good, lady. Its like what my boy always tells me: "Stop being so hard on yourself!"


Unknown said...

Believe it or not, you actually are helping your system. This is the reason why....Your body is getting used to eating healthy. In addition, with limiting your calorie intake, your body is approaching a plateau where it says, "Here comes Plan A or Plan B" No diversity there. I am doing Body for Life with my girlfriend and she is doing Weight Watchers as well. I eat weight watchers Sun-Fri but on Saturday it's pigout day. Next time you go to the bookstore, take a look at Body for Life. It's all explained there. I have lost 12 lbs in 2 weeks and have ordered pizza on one week and chinese the second week. Don't feel bad....You did not fall off the bandwagon...You just need to reward yourself once in a while and that is fine. If you and your other readers don't believe it, just go to the bookstore (Barnes and Noble, Borders, or other equivalent) and take a look at Body 4 Life and look at the results yourselves.

Dee said...

I have been observing and trying to learn from my kids. I have never insisted they eat all their food (like my own parents did) and they eat until they are satisfied. then they stop, even if there is food left, even if it is their favourite meal. they also tend to eat what they like most first (instead of last) and then when they have had enough it doesn't bother them to leave some behind. they are all happy and healthy and in their healthy weight range, which for three teen age girls is pretty darn amazing. I however have a looooonnnng way to go. I can only think those early messages are very strong. my own dear folks also struggle with it and wish it wasn't part of their own raising, I don't think growing up through the depression helped them any either...

karen@fitnessjourney said...

I was from a "Eat your food. Children are starving in Africa" family. I always wondered why we couldn't send the pork chop to those kids. But pizza is hard to resist.

This might be hard to do, but when you get pizza, maybe order the smallest size and eat a salad before having any of the pizza.

Tiffany said...

woman, don't you know there are starving children in africa? that was my grandmother's FAVORITE line.

Erin said...

hey girl, if you want a seriously tasty pizza alternative, hit up my page for the recipe.

good luck on the shred! i'm throwing in the towel for now. its just too hard on my neck injury.

Loving my Complicated Life! said...

Hello Jenn. This is my first time commenting on your blog, although I have now been reading for weeks. I weigh the same as you , and I am the exact same height, though you seem to llok quite smaller than me. First, your blog has been sdo encouraging. I cannot do a day without reading it. Second, I need help and advice. My bf owns and manages a Pizza restaurant. It is AWFUL!!!!! I have gained so much since being with him. I really want to lose the weight, but I am really struggling in the motivation department. I have tried figuring it out, but what exactly are you doing? (besides the 30 day shred??) How did you lose so much weight. Thank you for you and your blog! I hope to hear from you!


Amanda said...

don't worry, i'm totally the same way. even after changing my eating habits and exercising more regularly, i'm still a sad little food addict. i too feel the need to finish whatever is on my plate. so i really try to just put smaller portions on my plate but its hard when you're tiny little 100 pound sister can knock back 3 bowls of pasta and burn it off in the next five minutes just by breathing :)

i wouldn't worry about eating the pizza though, you can't go the rest of your life without eating Pizza Hut! you're definitely allowed to splurge now and then and you just move on and eat better the next day. i mean, last night i had two huge helpings of mac n cheese so really, i know where you're coming from!

sorry for the long comment here haha. but another great post, as usual! love reading your blog :)

Heather said...

I'm a member of the "Clean Plate Club" too. It's a difficult club to get out of once you are in. :)

My bf and I went to an Italian place last night. I got pasta/veggies/chicken in an lemony olive oil sauce. He got spinach/artichoke/pasta in a cream sauce. He's was WAY better than mine, but mine was at least healthy. This was the first time in a LONG time that I didn't clean my plate and got a to go box. I wasn't overstuffed either which was good.

I find that if I want to eat more, getting the waitress attention to take the plate away from me is a good move. I've also heard of people pouring water/salt/sugar on their plates to make them not eat any more of the food.

Cole Walter Mellon said...

I will sometimes slip back into that crappy habit of eating until the food is all gone. I try to be smarter when I eat out (one of my tricks is to cover my plate with my napkin when I feel like I've eaten enough to keep me from picking at the rest).

Pizza is one of those things I've yet to work up a good defense for. I have to drink beer with it, and I have to eat more with it. Viscious circle.

Sasha Carr, Ph.D. said...

Well, a lot of weight loss experts do recommend having a high-calorie "cheat meal" to prevent your body from going into starvation mode.

Shannon Paris, Marketing Director/Realtor said...

Yeah, my hubby is the worst influence. I can't always find healthy options when he wants certain foods, and if it's in my house I will eat it (right now we have dangeroud doughnuts lingering).

PS - your blog twisted my arm and I've ordered the 30 Day Shred.

NatureCat said...

It's the food high. You know, that euphoric feeling when you eat something really delicious. Maybe next time instead of letting Dan's plate taunt you, just get up and walk to the bathroom...walk around the restaurant...then when you come back, you will have disconnected from the urge.

Stephanie said...

It's addiction, I think. I once dated an alcoholic in recovery who didn't mind if I had a drink at dinner. When I didn't finish the drink, he'd say "I just can't understand how someone could NOT finish it". My response..."why? I'm done with it."
BODA weight loss

Anonymous said...

I don't know if you grew up with a "clean your plate" mentality, or if it's a side effect of dieting, but if it's the latter (as mine was/is), I had good luck with Intuitive Eating. I had to sort of feel my way along, since I was trying to eat intuitively AND diet at the same time, but knowing I could have whatever I wanted if I REALLY REALLY wanted it meant that suddenly . . . I didn't really want it anymore. I find that the more restrictive I get, the more I eat, because I start having horrible cravings and binges. If I know I can eat the ice cream, I find that I eat less of it overall.

(I actually went through a period where I was counting calories, but if I REALLY wanted something, I didn't "count" those calories. It sounds counter-intuitive, but having "permission" to eat whatever I wanted really worked for me. I got through a lot of an ED using that technique.)


Kendra said...

I'm totally a clean-your-plate kind of're not alone!!!

Dawn Dishes It Out said...

I did the same freakin' thing with advancing to level 3!! But, now I wind up switching back and forth between all the levels. This way I don't get bored!

Chuck said...

Here's the answer to your finish the food question, ready...

"Momma always said, Forrest, ya gotta clean your plate cause there are kids starving in (insert third world country here)"

It's also a "waste not want not" mentality that many people have. I paid for it by God I'm eating it...

On the other hand...Dan doesn't care about starving foreigners! Now you feel guilty for both of you!

Damnit, Now I gotta go find something to eat all of...

Gina said...

Why do guys feel that if we don't want pizaa, then htey can't order it for themselves. My boyfriend always wants when I say "you can order some for yourself and I'll make something here" I get gilt-tripped!

Preggo My Eggo said...

Oh the men in our lives and how they torture us so with deliciously bad ideas! And what is it about a "deal" that we just can't say no to?! Something you wouldn't have ordered you do cuz it's a deal and pend more than you would have AND feel tubby!

Julie, The Wife said...

Not only do I clean my plate, I want to clean everyone else's plate too!

I'm so glad Dan's plate is a photo, because really. I would finish it.

And THAT is my real problem.

kimert said...

Pizza is my fave food and I hardly ever say NO to pizza if offered. We started making our own "healty" version at home and making JUST enough for us and the two kids so no one over eats! Anyway, don't beat yourself up too bad! One day won't kill you....

ARJules said...

The sad thing for me is... I don't have a hubby to talk me into anything. I do it all myself! *sigh* But what can ya do? But my big problem? Chicken fajitas and a never-ending bowl of chips and salsa. EVIL I tell you!! EVIL!

iTeresa said...

My compulsion to finish all the food on my plate comes from years of my father telling me to eat all my food cause there are starving kids in "insert a third world country here". So I was brought up on not wasting food, and leaving in on a plate in my mind is wasting food. I have started ordering smaller portions when I go out to eat in a restaurant, if they will let you do a 1/2 portion thats great, then you don't end up overfull and feeling sluggish afterwards :) Good Luck with your 30 day shed.