Sunday, December 13, 2009

Aw, Crap. Life Happened.

I didn't shred today. It would have been my day 12, and I didn't shred. I got up early to drive out to a gorgeous neighborhood in Brookfield to do an environmental portrait of a wood worker for Wood Magazine. Then I spent three hours writing, and came home to clean the house and entertain some friends for the rest of the night. Halfway through cleaning I realized I didn't shred and I wouldn't be able to.

I only had a momentary freak out. Why? Because it's okay. I've done the shred 11 days in a row now, and I feel proud because of that. And, I know I'll do it tomorrow. It's not the 30 Day in a row every single day or you die Shred. It's okay to be human.

I have a few other things I wanted to post about and some photos to share with you guys, but I'll wait for later this week.

Since I've had some requests from you all, I'll leave you with another excerpt from my book. A small one. ;)

~Jenn

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I don’t think often of when we shared our last kiss. I sometimes go back through my journals or sit in silence and meditate on it. I retrace the steps I took in his life and I find the screenshot, and it's blurry. I probably touched his face and traced my fingertips along the stubble of his cheek. I'd bet that I looked at his raven eyes and that mouth that murders me and pulled away as I always pulled away. I'm sure he stood there and looked into me and thought to himself that it had to end. And I'm sure I felt it, too.

I do know that I mourn it. I wish I would have known it was the last kiss we would ever share. I would have tried harder to really pin it down. I would have made a point to remember what he was wearing, or the precise length of his hair, or where on my body his hands were. I would have written it down in my journal and wept as I did so. I would be able to look back and know the date. I would know if the trees were bare or if I could hear birds singing when I woke up that day or if when I left I felt the quaking in my chest swell with the crunching of the leaves beneath me.

Yet, the memory is there. It is faint and it threatens to fade. It’s covered in dust, but it’s still there when I go to pick it up. I can blow the dust away and trace the edges with my fingertips. I hold it close and I am back in the hallway with him. We kiss and it feels like everything inside of me is alive. It feels as though I am watching everything I love die. It doesn’t feel like a last kiss. It feels like a final breath.

12 comments:

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

What's ONE day? Good for you for focusing on all that you've done instead of one tiny fraction of what you didn't. Realistically, maybe you might plan to take Christmas Day (or Christmas Eve, or whatever!)off, too. Just add two days onto your finish day if you feel the need to say you did 30days.

Great excerpt from your book...makes me want to read more!

D

Linguista said...

Oh nice! Are you editing your book now? I haven't touched mine yet. I want ot add two chapters and then I'm going to edit my last manuscript and let this year's nano stew for a while.

PS, Check out my blog. It's new. http://aclairedawn.blogspot.com

karen@fitnessjourney said...

What a fantastic piece of writing!

Ashleigh said...

Jenn, Love this excerpt from you book. I think I should have known you are writing one or have written one, but I did not. I know exactly what you are talking about. Your words reminded me of a song by Lee Ann Womack that I just love and it talks about that regret of losing something without even knowing you were going to lose it and then you realize it's gone and you wish you knew it WAS going to be gone. Here's the chorus of the song sung by Lee Ann Womack and Written by Chris Dubois, David Lee, Tony Lane...

"but if i'd have known it was the last time
i'd have held on a little longer
and let that moment linger
and never let your fingers slip away
from mine
if i'd known there'd never be another day
i'd have watched you as you walked away
and kept you in my eyes
till you were out of sight if i
if i'd have known it was the last time "

Have a great day, and don't worry about the shred...tomorrow is another day...Ashleigh

nic said...

Yeah... it actually is the 30 Day in a row every single day or you die Shred.

Nice knowin' you.

JewliaGoulia said...

Jenn!

Your writing is so amazing. Hope you are doing well with your organization/time-line.

It's great to be able to watch your progress!

Jewl
http://jewliagoulia.blogspot.com
My journey starts December 14th!

Greta from www.bigbottomblogger.blogspot.com said...

Oh! So..."30 days" refers to 30 consecutive days? LOL So that means that today should be my day 2 then. Hm. I was planning to just rotate this DVD in with my other stuff (running and weights and kettlebells).....it never occured to me to do it daily. It IS only 20 minutes, tho...so...I COULD do it daily....and still do the other stuff.....now, darn it..you've made me "think" on a sunday morning.

GREAT excerpt, by the way..makes me want to read more....!

Debbie said...

I shared a last kiss recently. :-/ Endings run into beginnings, and the excerpt from your book reminded me how bittersweet love is.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

Alex said...

It's okay I did 5 days in a row, then hid the dvd from myself LOL. I'll get back to it tomorrow.

carla said...

only if we rest is the exercise even doing anything.
THATS WHEN WE GROW (muscle)
THATS WHEN WE SHRED,errrm, SHED (body fat)
THATS WHEN WE HEAL.

so I say: great choice and just hit it again today!

MizFit

Allie said...

Wonderful excerpt from your book! How enchanting! I just wanted to say I started the 30 day shred yesterday, and I am thrilled about it. It kicks ass... literally! I am super sore today, but I am ready to do it again! And, one day is okay! Good to know you are focused on the next day, and not dwelling on missing a day! Kepp going girl!! you are looking good!

Allie

Julie said...

Shred is to you as Nanowrimo was to me...I fell off, but still plugging away, so it's okay.

The excerpt is lovely, makes me wanna kiss him!