Wednesday, July 29, 2009

To dream the impossible dream...

Okay. Have you guys seen The Man of LaMancha? My Mom and I used to watch it, and I LOVE that musical. Seriously, it's amazing.


This morning I weighed in at.... 201.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap buckets, I'm SO CLOSE to Onederland. I can't wait.

So, aside from random notes and my weigh in, I thought I'd do a little bit of blogging inspired by my friend Monica over at Confessions of a + Sized Girl. Now, I've plugged her blog before, and I'm gonna do it again. I read her entry entitled "I Don't Dream of Being Beautiful." And she also wrote one today entitled "Ramblings of a Dieting Woman," which talked about how it's easier to dream of being thin than to do the actual work.

These two posts really got me thinking yesterday and I thought and thought and now I'm gonna spew my thoughts into the fatosphere for you.

I DO dream of being beautiful, because I equate being thin with being beautiful. Now, this is primarily for myself. I do see plus sized puss-faced hotties around and think "God, she's got a gorgeous face!" or, "She's so pretty!" -- but for myself, I do not see that. I see chub cheeks, swollen jaw, tiny beady mousie pin eyes. It's odd, but I feel more upset about how weight affects my face than I even feel about my body itself.

I know when people talk about dreaming of something that they usually refer to how they wish regularly that they could achieve that thing. But I literally spend TIME day dreaming and evening dreaming about it. I'll put this into perspective for you. Do you guys know that I'm totally obsessive? I mean, not just about John Mayer, Diet Coke or Venti iced coffees at Starbucks, but overall that I am a ridiculous, clawing, grabbing, hoarding, obsessive obsessive obsessive psychotic lunatic? Okay, because I am. When I want something I can NOT stop thinking about it. When I am angry, happy, sad, jealous, hungry, afraid or any other strong enough emotion, I'm fully that for a long time.

I lie in bed at night. I lie there with my face on the side, hugging my stuffed frog and closing my eyes I imagine myself. I imagine myself walking into my friend's house at my ultimate goal weight, with slender legs, wearing cute clothes that I think will correspond to the time of year I should have lost the weight by. I do math in my head that has to do with my weight loss. Example:

"Okay. I've lost 13 pounds in the last 20 days. That does take into account water weight, and I won't continue to lose crazy weight like that forever. So, let's shoot for an agressive 3 pounds per week. That's 12 pounds per month. I go home on August 8th. I'd like to be 195 by then and probably can achieve that. So, by October 8th, say if I go home again in 2 months, I should be 171 lbs. Then if I can lose 2 pounds per week after that, that would equate to 8 pounds per month. By the time I go home for Christmas I should be at least at 155."

I seriously do this every night. I do it EVERY NIGHT. I go over and over it in my mind, how it'll be to show up looking fabulous. And I don't know exactly why I measure my timeline on when I go home. I guess I just want to show people that used to see my hotness that I wasn't going to be a fatty fat fat forever. Of COURSE not. Hello! I don't really like pizza and donuts that much, people. It was just an experiment to measure the effects of love and happiness on a woman's waistline.

::crickets chirp::

Anyway. The other part of Monica's post that I agree with is that it is DEFINITELY easier to think about and dream about being thin than to do the work. I suck balls at working out. It's way easier to control my food. And even easier than that, is to lay in bed and have fantasies about looking like Keira Knightley.

Okay, I know some people think she's too thin. But I can't help it. Every time I see this photo, I hear Britney Spears in my head... "Gimme more, Gimme more, Gimme more..." (More abs like this, please. Are they even really possible? I think this is an optical illusion. She's incredible.)

I just want to have this body:

And that photo reminds me of Giada from Food Network, who I think is amazing! How can you cook food all day and look like this??? :)

<3 Jenn


Cole Walter Mellon said...

You're within spitting distance of Onderland. One big push and you're there.

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

My dream body...Drew Barrymore. Curves where it counts man...

I can't wait to hear what you'll do to celebrate when you get into Onederland!

Stages of Change said...

So, I can only imagine with your John Mayer obsession that a "soon, your body will be a Onderland" comment has been made by someone.

However, in the off chance that it hasn't, I just made it.


jessi said...

I SO agree with the fantasy being much easier than the work. . . Congrats on the progress you've made!

Michele said...

The last time I was overweight I used to go to bed every night and pray that I'd wake up thin. I thought all of my problems would be solved. Now, you're thinking, yeah..yeah..then you got thin and everything was the same, right? Nope, it wasn't. While my problems were still there, I had more self-confidence and determination to solve them.

Now, I'm back to the praying and dreaming and, like you, running crazy numbers in my head.

Hang in there, you are sooo close to Onderland!

Fidela Castrate said...

First of all I love reading your blogs as I totally get what you are writing about. Regarding those photos you posted..I dunno..if I got as skinny as those girls I would have to not eat..I dont think its even possible for my body frame to get that thin. I just want to lose my tummy and my jowls..everything else I am content with. I think I would be super happy at 175...which means I have about 35 pounds to lose..but i am trying! Congrats on your progress!!

Unknown said...

Very close to ONE-DERLAND! who hoo! :)

I used to wish I looked like girls like that but Im starting to like my new body that I never saw as an adult and am quite happy with leaving the carrots and celery for the actresses. lol

M said...

How did I miss this post!?

Thanks for the shout out!


Danielle said...

You are so close!

I do have to comment that dreaming of bodies that are seen in pictures (of people who may or may not be healthy) can be pretty damaging... called thinspiration.
The "Pro-Ana/Mia" websites, and blogs use pictures of extremely skinny women to inspire, compare, and dream of... eventually becoming kind of self-abusive.

Your body is unique to YOU! It is beautiful in it's own way- it will NEVER look like anyone else's!! That picture of you in high heels (and tiny clothes) is the best motivation EVER for YOU!!

Roxanne said...

Sorry I got some bad news Jen. You'll never have a stomach like hers...ever!!!

Yours might be a bit wider at the rib cage, or bit more narrow around the belly button, or a bit shorter or a bit taller, but it'll be fit and it'll be perfect for you :-)

Just keep on doing what you're doing. Meditation and visualization help, and rather than looking at thinspo, try looking at the mirror, and grab your stomach fat, move it around and get a sense for how things will fall into place. That way I think you can focus your fitness goals with a realistic visualization in place.

Also remember, the more stress/sadness you put on yourself, the longer its going to take and the harder its going to be. If you make a commitment, right now, to eat healthy six days a week and exercise 2-3 days a week, you will have a bikini bod by next summer. Guaranteed.

That's what happened to me when I lost 50 pounds. I 'gave up' on being freaked out about my weight, and started eating healthy. I concentrated on other things...then one day I noticed at the store that the size 12 was huge! The sales girl brought me a 10....then an 8...then a 6!!! It was such an awesome feeling!

Anonymous said...

***High Five***
Girl, you are so close to Onderland. Woo Hoo! That IS something to be proud of.

***HUG*** Don't be so hard on yourself. You are so beautiful NOW. I wish you could see it! I think you need to add one thing to your nightly routine. You need to pick one feature/characteristic that you love about yourself NOW. Be nice to yourself...

Emily said...

I know how you feel about your face. I AM a skinny person (size 3) and I can't stand my face because I have a pretty chubby chin and baby cheeks. I exercise a lot (I'm pretty fit), but I think I'm going to go on a diet next month and see if that helps my face slim out a bit. If it doesn't... well, I guess I'll just learn how to love it.