Okay. Have you guys seen The Man of LaMancha? My Mom and I used to watch it, and I LOVE that musical. Seriously, it's amazing.
This morning I weighed in at.... 201.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy crap buckets, I'm SO CLOSE to Onederland. I can't wait.
So, aside from random notes and my weigh in, I thought I'd do a little bit of blogging inspired by my friend Monica over at Confessions of a + Sized Girl. Now, I've plugged her blog before, and I'm gonna do it again. I read her entry entitled "I Don't Dream of Being Beautiful." And she also wrote one today entitled "Ramblings of a Dieting Woman," which talked about how it's easier to dream of being thin than to do the actual work.
These two posts really got me thinking yesterday and I thought and thought and now I'm gonna spew my thoughts into the fatosphere for you.
I DO dream of being beautiful, because I equate being thin with being beautiful. Now, this is primarily for myself. I do see plus sized puss-faced hotties around and think "God, she's got a gorgeous face!" or, "She's so pretty!" -- but for myself, I do not see that. I see chub cheeks, swollen jaw, tiny beady mousie pin eyes. It's odd, but I feel more upset about how weight affects my face than I even feel about my body itself.
I know when people talk about dreaming of something that they usually refer to how they wish regularly that they could achieve that thing. But I literally spend TIME day dreaming and evening dreaming about it. I'll put this into perspective for you. Do you guys know that I'm totally obsessive? I mean, not just about John Mayer, Diet Coke or Venti iced coffees at Starbucks, but overall that I am a ridiculous, clawing, grabbing, hoarding, obsessive obsessive obsessive psychotic lunatic? Okay, because I am. When I want something I can NOT stop thinking about it. When I am angry, happy, sad, jealous, hungry, afraid or any other strong enough emotion, I'm fully that for a long time.
I lie in bed at night. I lie there with my face on the side, hugging my stuffed frog and closing my eyes I imagine myself. I imagine myself walking into my friend's house at my ultimate goal weight, with slender legs, wearing cute clothes that I think will correspond to the time of year I should have lost the weight by. I do math in my head that has to do with my weight loss. Example:
"Okay. I've lost 13 pounds in the last 20 days. That does take into account water weight, and I won't continue to lose crazy weight like that forever. So, let's shoot for an agressive 3 pounds per week. That's 12 pounds per month. I go home on August 8th. I'd like to be 195 by then and probably can achieve that. So, by October 8th, say if I go home again in 2 months, I should be 171 lbs. Then if I can lose 2 pounds per week after that, that would equate to 8 pounds per month. By the time I go home for Christmas I should be at least at 155."
I seriously do this every night. I do it EVERY NIGHT. I go over and over it in my mind, how it'll be to show up looking fabulous. And I don't know exactly why I measure my timeline on when I go home. I guess I just want to show people that used to see my hotness that I wasn't going to be a fatty fat fat forever. Of COURSE not. Hello! I don't really like pizza and donuts that much, people. It was just an experiment to measure the effects of love and happiness on a woman's waistline.
Anyway. The other part of Monica's post that I agree with is that it is DEFINITELY easier to think about and dream about being thin than to do the work. I suck balls at working out. It's way easier to control my food. And even easier than that, is to lay in bed and have fantasies about looking like Keira Knightley.
Okay, I know some people think she's too thin. But I can't help it. Every time I see this photo, I hear Britney Spears in my head... "Gimme more, Gimme more, Gimme more..." (More abs like this, please. Are they even really possible? I think this is an optical illusion. She's incredible.)
I just want to have this body:
And that photo reminds me of Giada from Food Network, who I think is amazing! How can you cook food all day and look like this??? :)