Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Questions? Answers.

So, I've had a few lovely questions in the comments section from some of you lovely folks. I thought I'd go ahead and answer them here, 'cause chances are, someone else might have had the same question too. Plus I'm an open book. I think. :)

Losing It asked about my recent 7 lb drop: "That is fantastic, how did you do it? I am starting at about the same place you are and well, need the help!!"

So, I have been on a really low calorie plan for the last 12 days. I have basically been doing this, or a slight variation:

Breakfast: Light & Fit Yogurt + Nature's Valley granola bar
Lunch: Tin of tuna mixed with 1/2 cup fat free cottage cheese, 2 tbsp of grated Romano cheese and a mixture of sliced veggies (pickles, cucumber, celery, etc)
Dinner: Huge salad with tons of veggies on it, light balsamic vinaigrette or light ginger sesame dressing.

Sometimes I'll do a huge salad for lunch instead of tuna, and if I do that, I put grilled chicken on my salad for dinner. For snacks I have sliced apple, grapes or baby carrots. I also do sugar free Popsicles for dessert. At 10 calories for 2 of them, it's a sweet treat that doesn't hurt me! :)

Now, if you actually calculate all the calories I'm eating, it's pretty damn low. HOWEVER... I'm doing this for myself for a few reasons:

1. I need to shrink my stomach back down.
2. I want to break my dependence on bread.
3. I really love the feeling of eating SALAD when I'm hungry instead of crackers, cookies, chips, junk, junk, junk.

I am taking a multi vitamin when I can stomach it. I am drinking at least 2 liters of water a day. I still drink a lot of Diet Coke because I love it. I also drink a ton of green tea.


Roxanne asked me a really interesting question: "I just wonder what happened to you that 4 or 5 years ago that divides your lowest weight from your current weight. Was it a guy problem, a job/money problem, or did you gain 5 pounds and just feel so guilty that you ate uncontrollably? What happened that made you devalue yourself and lose connection with your spirit?"

Phew, what a whammy, Roxie! (Sorry. I'll stick to Roxanne if you don't like my self indulgent assumption I could shorten it and give you a nickname.;) )

So I've thought about this question. I am not really sure how to answer it.

Was it a job/money problem? No. Though I will say that having a desk job with cookies baked daily, right outside my office door didn't help the situation or my lack of control.

Was it that I gained 5 pounds and felt so guilty that I ate uncontrollably? No. I don't believe that I am an emotional eater. I am much more a boredom/subconscious/situational/doing it unknowingly eater.

Was it a guy problem? No. In fact, guy problems tend to sky rocket me toward weight loss instead of causing me to gain weight.

I'll start at the beginning. (Though I've showed photos before and done a little history here, I'll make it really clear in this post.)

I started as a fairly normal sized, what is to me now, skinny kid.

By Junior High, I got into what I call my "greasy" phase, and gained weight.

After that, I was in High School, and after hearing "move your fat ass" too many times, I signed up for tennis, gym and women's athletic weight training. Roughly 2-3 hours of working out each day got me from my greasy phase to this:

After that, I gained a bit of weight when I quit the gym classes and went to the choir side of high school life. I was probably still a size 8/10. (Me in the middle)

After that, I don't know how, but I lost a little weight when I started college.

Then, done with school, got a desk job, ate fast food every day because of time restraints, didn't know how to cook/bring healthy food for myself (I just did what everyone else did in the office). I'm here on the right.

Then, got asked out by a cute guy. Dated him for 3 months. He dumped me on the phone for another woman. I was mortified. I did Atkins, lost 40 or 50 pounds, and looked like this:

Sometimes I wish I had another heartache so I could have the transformation again.

Before: (2nd from the left)

After: (on the left)

By the by, isn't my Mother GORGEOUS???

So, needless to say, I've had a struggle with weight my entire life. It's been a continuous up and down roller coaster of home run pies and salad, short skirts and sweats covered cellulite and stretchmarks.

I had another "guy" situation at the end of 2004/2005. A man who I fell in love with didn't love me back, and my heart was broken. The entire time I was dating this guy, I felt like I wasn't enough, but I could be. I kept to my diet very strictly, thinking I needed to do better, be better to keep him around. To be GOOD ENOUGH to stay in his life. To make sure I was attractive and sexy. To ensure I could seduce him if he didn't want to stay. When things ended, I felt lower than I can explain. It still stings like you wouldn't believe. I actually have a sick feeling in my stomach about it right now. The level of self disgust I feel when I'm rejected by a man I care about is astronomical.

Quite soon after that I started a relationship with my current boyfriend, who I have been with ridiculously happily for 4 years. He's on the slim side, and can eat anything he wants to. Living with him definitely became my noose because I fell back into horrible eating habits. Add to that the fact that he loves me unconditionally, finds me sexy no matter what I have looked like, and is relentlessly supportive, sweet, caring, kind and loving... made it somewhat easier to slip back into the abyss of carb-land.

I feel guilty that he moved in with/fell in love with this woman:

And now is living with this woman:


I don't know. Comfort was the culprit? I don't think I've ever thought of getting fat as "devaluing" myself and losing connection with my spirit. Maybe devaluing myself. I don't think I've ever lost connection with my spirit. In fact, the last year of my life has been the best, I've gained a ton of confidence in my talent and mind, started my own business, moved to another state, and I've still been a fat girl.

I definitely believe I'm happier when I'm skinnier because... I have more confidence in my body, I get whistles (come on, they make you feel great,) and I can wear whatever the hell I want to and not feel like a schlumpy dumpy doo doo.

I don't know if this has answered your question, but it's out there now. :)



South Beach Steve said...

Thanks for sharing -- it helps us all realize that we each have a story on how we got where we are.

Ashley said...

"Comfort is the culprit." I can sooo relate to that! Once I moved in with my husband, who was my BF at the time, I dunno, we just slipped into this comfort zone where we both ate what we wanted when we wanted. His ability to see me beyond weight made me uber comfortable, and thus I gained 50+ pounds since 2006. Now, we're both fighting to get back to the sizes we were when we moved in together. We'll get there, and so will you.

By the way, you're gorgeous in ALL of your photos, even the last one where you're making a silly face! I'm sure Dan is ecstatic to have you as a girlfriend!

Anonymous said...

Your story is very similar to mine in that happiness = eating = being fatter. And until I read your story in this entry and compared it to mine, I accepted that it made sense. But WHY did me being happy make me damage my body? It's crazy.

I too want to be back to the girl my boyfriend fell in love with, even though he assures me he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen no matter what my size. So I guess I really want to do it for myself.

Thanks for sharing :)

-Gem x

Losing it said...

Thanks for your answers. I find it hard to eat salad with 4 kids and a hubby, it's so hard to get food that they will eat and don't like making 2 meals. But I am trying to eat 1/2 of what I would have normally and that helps, weight in today so we will see how the last week has been.
I know about being comfortable and what gem said, that my hubby loves me no matter what, which is what I want, but I guess some times it doesn't!
Good luck everyone!

M said...

Holy crap! Best.Post.Ever.

Unknown said...

you summed it up by saying that you didnt like feeling like a schlumpy dumpy doo doo. I think that is motivation enough! :) YOu can do it girl- keep up the great work! :)

Carlos said...

comfort is gnarly bitch! i too am her victim

nancy said...

I love all the pictures of you! The only thing that ever makes me sad is when I see sadness in your eyes. You're a beautiful young woman, and I think the bottom line in the way we look should always be "health."


Anonymous said...

Wow. I've always wondered if people who have pictures of them as an adult and at their ideal weight have an easier, or harder time getting back to that. Is it easier because they have photographic evidence to look at and use as motivation? Or is it harder because they are trying to obtain a level of perfection that might not be possible anymore? The last time I was truly skinny, I was probably 11 years old, so I have no idea what I'll really look like once I lose all the weight. I'm looking forward to it though :)

Congrats on losing 7lbs! And you look beautiful in all of your pictures!

Roxanne said...

hehehehe! i love that last picture!

I really hope you find your way to the place that makes you happiest. You seem like a very cool person, and I can tell people like you from the way they come out in pictures.


Benia Zouras said...

"schlumpy dumpy doo doo" :)

I love your writing style and your frank manner. The photos are a great addition to the story-telling.

I feel a bit like a "schlumpy dumpy doo doo" myself lately, and have had a recent weight loss, then gain. My husband loves me, too, but we have a pact to tell each other if we get fat. I am trying to count calories (this has worked for me before - I shoot for 1600 a day) and I use my nerdy spreadsheet to help me, but... ugh... Sometimes things just gotta give!

Anyway, good luck and I'll stay tuned!


My name is Erin. said...

This was a great story and I think we all can relate, whether its our exact story or not. It's a process and one that I can relate to. I need to drop about 45 lbs myself. Thanks for a little inspiration. :)

bella said...

Loved reading your fall into fatness.

I bet there are millions of us out here in the world with the exact same timeline. I know I am one of them.