Unfortunately, USPS has failed to deliver my camera cord in a timely fashion, so the reveal on the giant panties will have to wait until next week.
But have no fear. I'm going to let it rip this week with a way, way, WAY TMI Thursday.
I'm six or seven years old. We're living in the same house as we did during the poop paint incident. I have an obsession and fascination with all things "grown up," and particularly with all things "Mom." As most young girls, I am intrigued by lipstick and dresses and heels and all the little schniblits of womanhood I find in my Mom's drawers. Well, this day I decide to go through the cabinets in the bathroom.
I find all kinds of stuff I've seen before: toilet paper, cleaning supplies, creams and ointments, etc. One thing I find, I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know it's distinctly Mom.
A box of tampons.
I pull one out and I have no clue what it is or what it does or what it's for. I immediately stuff it into my pocket and run down the hall into my room. I shut myself inside and sit on the bed. I pull the tampon out of my pocket and I look at it.
What the crap is this thing?
I open the paper and pull out this weird cardboard contraption with a string on it. I'm pretty sure it goes into a person but I have no idea how, or where it's supposed to go. I figure if it was meant for the ears or nose I would have seen it by now, so I determine it has to go somewhere down there. Now, I consider my girlie-bits to be an off-limits, no touchie zone. I certainly don't think anything goes IN there, 'cause it's covered up all the time, and nothing comes OUT of there. Because I'm six.
It's obvious then. This tampon thing goes in my butt.
I'm really quiet and listen hard to make sure nobody is coming up the stairs or in the hallway. Coast clear. I pull down my pants and underwear. I get into a squatkneelbootieout type of position, still on the bed, all wobbly, and I try to put the tampon in my butt.
I get nowhere. I try again, and it kind of hurts. I push a little more and it stays sorta in there. So I'm squatkneeling there with this thing in my butt, and I DO NOT GET IT. I wait another few seconds and then declare to myself, "This is dumb," and pull it out. I pull up my pants and wrap the tampon up in a bunch of tissue paper and throw it away in my bedroom trash can.
I have never told anyone about this. You guys should really, really feel special.
So. Don't put tampons in your butt. That's not what they're for.
Unless you're taking Alli.