Thursday, November 12, 2009

TMI Thursday: Tampon No-No.

Unfortunately, USPS has failed to deliver my camera cord in a timely fashion, so the reveal on the giant panties will have to wait until next week.

But have no fear. I'm going to let it rip this week with a way, way, WAY TMI Thursday.

Here goes.


TMI Thursday



Okay.

I'm six or seven years old. We're living in the same house as we did during the poop paint incident. I have an obsession and fascination with all things "grown up," and particularly with all things "Mom." As most young girls, I am intrigued by lipstick and dresses and heels and all the little schniblits of womanhood I find in my Mom's drawers. Well, this day I decide to go through the cabinets in the bathroom.

I find all kinds of stuff I've seen before: toilet paper, cleaning supplies, creams and ointments, etc. One thing I find, I'm not quite sure what it is, but I know it's distinctly Mom.

A box of tampons.

I pull one out and I have no clue what it is or what it does or what it's for. I immediately stuff it into my pocket and run down the hall into my room. I shut myself inside and sit on the bed. I pull the tampon out of my pocket and I look at it.

What the crap is this thing?

I open the paper and pull out this weird cardboard contraption with a string on it. I'm pretty sure it goes into a person but I have no idea how, or where it's supposed to go. I figure if it was meant for the ears or nose I would have seen it by now, so I determine it has to go somewhere down there. Now, I consider my girlie-bits to be an off-limits, no touchie zone. I certainly don't think anything goes IN there, 'cause it's covered up all the time, and nothing comes OUT of there. Because I'm six.

It's obvious then. This tampon thing goes in my butt.

I'm really quiet and listen hard to make sure nobody is coming up the stairs or in the hallway. Coast clear. I pull down my pants and underwear. I get into a squatkneelbootieout type of position, still on the bed, all wobbly, and I try to put the tampon in my butt.

I get nowhere. I try again, and it kind of hurts. I push a little more and it stays sorta in there. So I'm squatkneeling there with this thing in my butt, and I DO NOT GET IT. I wait another few seconds and then declare to myself, "This is dumb," and pull it out. I pull up my pants and wrap the tampon up in a bunch of tissue paper and throw it away in my bedroom trash can.

I have never told anyone about this. You guys should really, really feel special.

So. Don't put tampons in your butt. That's not what they're for.

Unless you're taking Alli.

~J

30 comments:

Chula said...

LMAO!!!!! Oh this is the best TMI Thursday yet ,that's the most hilarious thing I have ever heard!

Kristen said...

I agree, the best one yet! It also reminded me of a South Park episode where the boys think they are getting their periods and that is where they put the tampons because,well, they have no other option of course. Great post! It also reminded me that when Iyounger and watched commercials for pads and they poured the blue liquid on it I wondered what my mom had that caused her to be leaking blue stuff. Oh, to be five again!

Alex said...

That is frickin hilarious, Almost as good as coming to find my 2 year old (husband looking after kids) putting pads in her underpants (all 45 of them). Yee ha.

Jacqueline said...

That was the funniest thing I've read for a long, long, long time! I laughed until I cried. Thanks for sharing that!!

Quincifer said...

I have a vivid memory of tampon discovery...although my mum was there so I guess it isn't as TMI. I was allowed to totally unravel one though!

Lianne said...

hahaha! i think i may have done the same thing... after i stick it up my nose.

leethroughthelens.blogspot.com

Rebekah said...

LMAO!!!! Priceless!! My brother used to use them as gernades when he was playing GI Joe!!

That other girl said...

hahaha this made me giggle while i was in the loungroom listening to the news so I got some weird looks and i kept laughing never sharing the joke lol

StepherB said...

OMG I can always count on you to give me a good laugh on Thursdays! I love it!

healthydiana said...

Ahaha omg. Kids. :)

Tina said...

ROFLMAO!!

I needed that...because I am on eteral hold with Adobe and their #()*$#(*$& Customer Service that has been jacking me around on a refund since April!! I have raised my voice more than once on this call!

Future Me said...

In the words of the ridiculous Rachel Zoe, I DIE! This was too funny. :)

Tess Tickle said...

LMAO! This is great! IMO, there's no such thing as TMI... just people who can't handle it. Love your sense of humor.

Martial Arts Mom said...

I love it! My mom used to tell me that women used them to "wipe with"...I remember thinking "What the heck is wrong with toilet paper????" and the best one - when my now 19 yo daughter was about 3 she came in the bathroom at an inopportune time. She asked what the tampons were. I told her, of course, "They were for grown up women to wipe with". So, then she asks me, "Will I be a woman when I grow up?" I answer yes. She says "What will Dad be when he grows up?" I just laughed and told her not to worry about that happening anytime soon! LOL!!!

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

hahahaha fuck that's awesome!

Summer said...

That is the best TMI Thursday EVER! Holy cow. That was hilarious!

word verification: satin

hehehe

Bloogerina said...

lmfao!!!

Barrie said...

This is the best TMI Thursday yet! It reminds me of my own silly childhood misunderstandings! Let me just say, I got my first period kinda young, and no one warned me of what was coming! You can imagine what that was like! It was months before I told my mom. But thats another story for another day.

The BreakUp Coach said...

ROFL!!! My favorite part is the last little zinger about Alli! That stuff really does a number on the body, or specifically, the booty.

Wormy said...

Laughing out loud at work...probably going to get caught reading blogs and not working but so totally worth it!

Mitzi Green said...

"That's not what they're for."

actually, my ex-husband (who prefered to wave his freak flag when no one was looking) would beg to differ. actually, he'd probably also beg you to shove a tampon up his butt.

did i mention he's an EX?

Tara Oakley Cutler said...

LOVE IT! Can you believe Dr's actually shove them up peoples noses when they have surgery on their sinuses? No shit. They tape the strings to your cheek. I used to work with a girl who had it done...twice.

Rei said...

ROFL! Never tried that, but it might be a fun drinking game... I don't know how it would work exactly, but I suppose when you're drunk it doesn't really matter... XD

RHK said...

ahahahhahahahahAHAHHAHAHAH...I can't stop laughing!

kanmuri said...

I had no idea where you were going with this. You made me smile!

NJ said...

As someone who actually works at a pad factory and has actually been to a tampon factory I always laugh at feminine protection humour. Did you hear they are now recycling tampons...yes as bingo dabbers.

Samantha said...

hahaha! That is hilarious! I remember playing with my mothers tampons. I was obsessed with how much they would "grow" when I dangled them in the toilet. How convenient they had strings.

Vodka Logic said...

Wonder how the story would have ended had you found the right place for it...

viethewonderingnomad said...

Hahaha. This is hilarious. Also, so true, re: Alli.

justjuliebean said...

Bloody hilarious! I remember finding them, and having no idea what they could be, but never tried to put them anywhere.