Thursday, March 4, 2010

TMI Thursday: Would you rather?

It's been a long time, but... I had an "episode" this week, and I HAD to share it with you guys.  So, here it goes.

TMI Thursday


Monday I ran a few errands.  Starbucks, grocery store, bank, etc.  I decided to do a bit of driving around to look at a couple of places I would consider for a future studio, blah blah blah, and I headed back to the other side of town to hit the post office before a consult I had.  As I was about five minutes from the Post Office, I started to get... that feeling.

You know.  The rumbly, tumbly, farty feeling in your stomach.  The one that makes you squinch your face in confusion.  The one that makes you tuck your gut and clench your butt.  The one that you hope will pass.  The one that makes you think, "What the hell did I eat?"  I shifted in my seat and made an uncomfortable pout, and after a few blocks, realized that the feeling wasn't going away.  Alas... it was not a mere gas bubble.

It hit me that I had to, HAD to find a bathroom, or I'd shart myself.

Where I was driving, there were two options:  Walgreens, or McDonalds.  I knew that the bathroom all the way at the back of the Walgreens would likely be too far.  I couldn't risk it.

And here's the problem:  I HATE McDonalds.  After Supersize Me and McLibel, I'm disgusted by the company.  I loathe everything about them, their food, their ethics, the way they treat their employees, the garbage they market to children and the suppliers of their meat.  (Another story for another day.)

I haven't stepped foot inside a McDonalds in over a year and a half.  The other problem is that I feel guilty using the bathroom somewhere and not being a "customer."  Usually if I stop on a road trip at a gas station or restaurant, I buy something, at least a Diet Coke or a pack of gum or something.  But I definitely wasn't going to do that there.  And so, suddenly, I was forced with that grand daddy question:  "Would you rather?"  You know.  Would you rather immerse your naked body in a bathtub of cockroaches or dive naked head first into a pool of tobacco spit?  Would you rather chew a piece of toenail off of a dirty man's foot, or thoroughly lick his un-showered armpit?

So, it was:  Would you rather go into McDonalds, or shit your pants?

You guys, I marched waddled my clenched ass right into that McDonalds.  And it was beautiful.  Well, it wasn't beautiful.  But I felt a whole hell of a lot better.  And I left without buying anything.  Now I can say that I don't give McDonald's my money.  I only give them my crap when I really, really can't hold it.

~J


42 comments:

Michelle said...

you gave them shit..good girl

Runnergirl said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Brilliant!

Claire Dawn said...

Ha ha!!! And I love Michelle's comment! :D

Mikayla Lynne said...

Haha that is too funny, I love your blog by the way. You inspired my weight loss.

NJ said...

Both my children worked at McDonald's when they were in high school. This goes in line with your tmi. One busy saturday afternoon my son was sent to attend a chore in the men's bathroom. Someone had shat in the middle of the bathroom and he had to clean it up. What we will do for minimum wage when we are 17. My question is who does this...on a Saturday in a busy McDonald's. And I don't get why they are busy....not much of a fan either.

Jen said...

I was laughing so hard when I was reading this. And your last line.... AWESOME!

BTW: Don't miss out on the giveaway on my blog!

Ulee said...

L-O-freaking-LLL!!!

Rachel said...

I also hate McDonalds, so well done :)

my little world said...

SO funny!!!

thecoghlans said...

I love this TMI Thursday! I hate McDonald's also so of course the only time I go in there is to use the potty when I absolutely can't hold it. Hilarious.

LiLu said...

I was gonna say. Isn't assploding in their bathroom the perfect revenge? ;-)

~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Yes! That was awesome!

Tina said...

ROFLMAO!!!!

Sarahf said...

LMFAO! So funny! Totally cheered me up!

The Insatiable Host said...

oh my god jen...that is hilarious! the best part is that everyone knows right after you eat McDonalds, you have to shit anyhow...at least they are used to it...no harm no foul.

Rosa said...

I've been there especially before realizing I am lactose intolerant. I give them my crap all the time and don't even look the cashier's way when I am walking out. Good save!

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Haha!

Lords knows they've handed enough shit (in a bag) over to us...and we've all paid for it!

This is shit on McDonald's day.

Desiree said...

I love it! I also HATE McDonalds. I would like to write a book called "How McDonalds Ruined the World". However, I would also rather use their restroom than shit my pants. Well played:)

Heidi said...

That's hilarious! Glad you were able to get some revenge on McD's!

I totally know that feeling and why does it always come when you're not home?

Lacey Janae said...

even though you don't like them, you can't say you don't give a shit.
lol
this was hilarious.

Ella Enchanted said...

OMG...I am dying laughing at work!!! You are hilarious. :)

NatureCat said...

Stickin' it to Mickey D's. Pure awesomeness.

Betty said...

That is priceless!! And I love that you aren't afraid to talk about farting and sharting to perfect strangers. Love it!

JP said...

See I'd think that it'd be good... you hate McDonalds so you're dropping a load of stinky ass shit on them and not even giving them a dime.

Kaloula said...

Awesome.

Kat said...

LMAO! Giving McD's the shit! I love it!

Candace said...

Love it! You're hilarious. I had that feeling the other day grocery shopping at Walmart. Didn't pass. Ended up being half an hour late to pick up my son from preschool! Eek.

Trisha said...

hahaha..love your last line ;)

The BreakUp Coach said...

Pure perfection! McDonald's needs to take what they dish out. I've had to be offline for a while and this was a great reintroduction to your blog, Ms. Thing! (pronounced "Mizz Thaang" in my head)

Kari said...

You've been awarded the Beautiful Blogger award! Please go to karilife.com to accept the award! Thank you!

Crystal said...

Awesome. lol

Wikked Wit said...

Funny. That's the feeling I get when I eat there...usually due to a roadtrip, and lack of choices...it never fails...20 minutes down the road, and I'm dealing with angry tummy. Thus proving what crap their food is...or maybe my tummy is getting too old for that stuff. I am 36, and just cant eat like a 12 yr old raised by cavemen anymore. Dang.

Nikki said...

I feel like that daily, Thank you Metformin!

nycgirl0501 said...

That's AWESOME! LOL!

aimeeinak said...

ROFL I love it!

Joy De Vivre Design said...

You are too funny! LOL!

cmoursler said...

lol...on the other side of that coin..I was in new york city once and had to go badly. But since I was in manhattan...they had LOCKED THE DOORS to the bathroom at mcdonalds, you could only use it if you were a customer. so I bought a cheeseburger kids meal thinking i would give it to the homeless guy out front.
lol.
well, I go to give him the meal and he says (no joke) I am a vegetarian.
So I say, well then...have some fries.
He says thank you.
lmao.
funniest thing I've ever heard.

carpetbaggery said...

I here that there's an iPhone app that will map out every public toilet around you at all times.

McDonald's deserves it for putting a toilet, er... restaurant, on every freakin' block.

Tina said...

I SOOOO know that feeling!! Too funny!

fitlivingdaily said...

This was SO funny! Since we saw Supersize me, we won't go into McDonald's for anything...but when we're on a road trip, it's the ONLY place in town we'll stop to go to the bathroom. We really like giving back to them a little of what they've given to the world!

Miss Marilee said...

OK...I'm so so so glad that I'm not the only one that has to buy something if they stop somewhere to use the restroom!

Wesley said...

Oh my god Jenn. I love you! You wrote this so much better than telling the story in person. Everyone's staring at me from laughing so hard.